Sometimes you think: "Why is it impossible to talk calmly with a person: every conversation is a continuous confrontation!" The answer is simple: he is a provocateur who strives to turn every conversation into an argument and insult. Who is he and what to do with him? Psychologist Stanislav Sambursky tells us.
Here are its distinctive features:
- blaming others for all troubles;
- cannot control emotions;
- unpredictability in actions;
- lives by the principle of "all or nothing".
Conflict has two sources: the first is a behavior pattern, the second is a personality disorder (associative, narcissistic, borderline). When the interlocutor does not think about his own behavior, concentrates on past grievances, strives to be the center of attention, divides people into good and bad, is vulnerable to requests - most likely, you have a conflict person in front of you.
It is extremely unpleasant to be around him. It is hard to restrain yourself and not raise your voice, to remain indifferent to the attack and not to start arguing. The opponent wants exactly this, and when he gets it, he celebrates his victory.
There is an antidote to this "poison" too. Stanislav Sambursky lists five ways to effectively communicate with this category of people:
1. Don't take what's said as the truth. Whatever a person says, it's not true. Their job is to throw you off balance. Defense and justification give rise to a pointless argument. Think about the other people you communicate with: they don't want to dominate you, they accept you as you are, you feel good with them.
2. Turn off your emotions. Do not react to the conflict tirade, let the person "speak out". You can say: "When you finish, I will answer." Be calm and do not show that you are "touched" by these speeches. Confidence and patience will help you stay strong in spirit. After all, a response to an emotional attack demonstrates weakness, which only fuels the opponent's aggression.
3. Objective information is the most important thing. If you can’t avoid communicating with such a person, then you should always be prepared for it. The main tool here is facts. They disarm the disputant. If the objective information doesn’t achieve the goal the first time, then return to point “2” – listen emotionlessly and don’t interrupt. When the disputant’s strength runs out, facts that don’t have an assessment and absurd explanations are used again in response. Being informed helps to “crush” the aggressor.
4. Find out how the person wants to solve the problem. The opponent will be pleased with the interest in the conflict, but this is exactly what will dry up his joy. Say calmly: “You are talking about a problem. Obviously, it bothers you. It can be concluded that you know how to solve it. Offer your options.” In most cases, it is clear that you cannot cook porridge with the aggressor. He does not realize this and feels important. So let him justify this confidence with the help of brainstorming.
5. Involve the public. For example, your colleague at work "sticks his nose up" every day. During his next fit, answer him loudly, so that everyone can hear, and even better - intervene: "Look, he is not able to provide even one piece of evidence", "These personal attacks are more senseless, do you find useful information in them?", "Look, he is not able to control his emotions", etc.
It is important to add a clarification to the fifth point. It is not applicable to a sophisticated aggressor. Third parties are unacceptable in communication with him. Remember, you cannot change such people, but it is up to you whether to react to their attacks or not.
