"Are you even listening to me?" is a phrase that often becomes the beginning of a quarrel. Over time, partners begin to speak different languages: he focuses on facts, she on emotions.
For example, after a hard day she wants to talk things out, and he offers a solution, thinking that this will help.
But she needs sympathy, not advice. It seems like a dead end, but there is a way out - you just need to learn to "translate" your thoughts into your partner's language.
Why do we stop hearing each other?
It's a scientific fact that men and women's brains are wired differently. Men tend to view conversations as an exchange of information ("What should I do?"), while women tend to view conversations as a way to connect ("Feel what I'm going through").
Imagine: she is talking about a conflict with a friend, and he interrupts: "Just stop talking to her." She feels that he does not care, but that he sincerely wants to help. Or he complains about problems at work, and she asks: "Are you sure you did everything right?" He feels criticized, although she is trying to support.
How to fix this? The "paraphrase" technique.
Try repeating your partner's thoughts in your own words. For example:
- She: “My boss was picky about the report again today!”
— He (instead of “You should have done better”): “Are you upset because you feel unfair?”
This technique shows that you are paying attention and not just waiting for your turn to speak. One couple shared a story: the man initially got angry when his wife "translated" his phrases, but then noticed that there were fewer arguments.
For example, when he said, “I’m tired of these weekends with your relatives,” she responded, “You need more time for yourself, right?” He nodded — and they agreed that once a month he would stay home alone while she went to her parents’.
Talk about feelings without blaming.
Phrases like “You’re never helpful” or “You’re too emotional” trigger a defensive response. Try “I messages”:
— Instead of: “You forgot to take out the trash again” → “I get nervous when I have to do everything myself.”
— Instead of: “You spend too much” → “I’m afraid we won’t have enough for a vacation.”
This shifts the focus from criticism to your emotions, making it easier for your partner to hear you. One woman shared how she stopped yelling, “You’re selfish!” and started saying, “I feel sad when we don’t spend time together.” Her husband, who used to snap at her, started saying, “Let’s order pizza and have a movie night?”
Find common activities where you both relax.
When partners do something neutral and enjoyable together, it is easier for them to open up. For example:
- Cook dinner together while listening to music. Even if he's chopping onions and she's stirring sauce, it's a reason for jokes and light conversations.
— Play board games. Monopoly or Crocodile are liberating and bring back the excitement of first dates.
— Clean while listening to podcasts. One couple admitted that even washing windows became more fun while talking about their favorite shows.
Learn to appreciate differences.
His love for football and your passion for yoga are not a reason for argument, but an opportunity to expand your horizons. For example:
- If he likes fishing, ask him to take you with him. Even if you're bored, ask, "What's so exciting about it?" You'll find out that for him, it's meditation, not just sitting with a fishing rod.
- If she loves dancing, take a salsa lesson. Even if you mix up the steps, her laughter will be the best reward.
Practical task for this week:
Every day, ask your partner one question, not about everyday life (“How was your day?”), but about feelings (“What made you happy today?”).
Try the paraphrase technique at least once a day.
Pick one activity that your partner enjoys but you don't, and spend 30 minutes doing it. Ask why it's important to them.
Harmony is not the absence of conflicts, but the ability to listen and accept others. Don't be afraid to start small: even one sincere phrase "I want to understand you" can change everything.
