“I didn’t want her – I wanted to be him: the one who is still desirable,” an anonymous confession in the closed group Beyond the Affair blew up social networks.
Psychotherapist Robert White , who has been working with cheaters for 20 years, told The Atlantic : "Men lie even to themselves. Their true motives are shocking."
Secret 1: “I cheated to stay”
Seems like a paradox? 58% of men in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy study admitted that they had affairs in order not to leave their families. “I was afraid that without an “outlet” I would explode and leave everything,” writes “Maxim, 40” in the Shadow of the Family chat.
Psychologist Linda MacDonald calls it an "emotional valve": "They are torn between duty and desire, but are hesitant to divorce because of the children, money or fear of loneliness."
Secret 2: “I took revenge... on myself”
Not to his wife, not to his boss, but to himself for his unfulfilled dreams. “I became what I despised: an office plankton,” admitted “Andrey, 35” in the podcast Men’s Tears. “The betrayal was an attempt to get back “that guy” who hitchhiked and wrote poetry.”
Dr. Esther Perel comments: "Infidelity is an identity crisis. Men are not looking for another woman, but for another version of themselves."
Secret 3: "I wanted her to catch me"
Shock? 33% of cheaters in a study by the Institute of Family Therapy subconsciously "set themselves up": "Forgot" to log out of email on a shared computer.
Left lipstick marks on the collar.
They said: “I have a meeting tonight,” although his wife knew he wasn’t there.
"It's a cry for help," says psychologist Shirley Glass. "But instead of therapy, they choose scandal as a way to start a conversation."
Secret 4: “Sex was boring”
Surprisingly? Men rarely admit that they cheat because of routine in bed. According to the Kinsey Institute , only 12% of affairs begin because of passion. The rest - because of emotional hunger.
“We had sex three times a week, but it was like assembling an IKEA: monotonous and soulless,” Men’s Health magazine quotes “Igor, 38.”
Secret 5: “I was afraid of her power”
"She earned more, decided everything herself," writes "Mikhail, 42" in the Weaker Sex chat. "With another woman, I felt like a man, not a henpecked husband."
Sociologist Michael Kimmel explains in his book Angry White Men: "Patriarchal stereotypes make men see a strong woman as a threat. Cheating becomes a way to 'take back power.'"
Secret 6: “I was… bored.”
Yes, it’s banal. A University of Kentucky study found that 61% of men cheat out of existential boredom, not passion. “Life has become ‘home-work-TV,’” admits “Sergey, 45” on the Midlife Crisis blog. “She reminded me that I’m still alive.”
Secret 7: “I wanted her to leave first”
Many men hate being the "bad guy." They provoke their wives into divorce to avoid feeling guilty. "I hoped she would leave me herself after finding out about the betrayal," said "Dmitry, 50" in a group therapy session.
The Finale: What's Next?
According to the Journal of Infidelity :
23% of cheaters repeat the betrayal;
41% become depressed even after keeping their family together;
7% find happiness with a lover.
As actor Will Smith said, "Recognition is not the end. It is the beginning of a journey where you either grow up or die."
