Content
What are personal boundaries and why is it important to set them?
21.06.2024 12:00
Personal boundaries are the definition of where I am: where is mine and where is not mine.
This concerns both physical boundaries (these are the boundaries of my body, this is my room, these are my things), and emotional boundaries (these are my emotions, and these are not my emotions, but I feel what another person feels due to developed empathy) and, of course, mental boundaries (these are my values, my beliefs, and there are beliefs that were imposed on me, and I am not obliged to follow them).
It is important to build boundaries in order to understand your boundaries and, in fact, either defend them or not violate the boundaries of other people. Without personal boundaries, there will be no personality: formed and mature.
Such a person has his own opinion and can express it, defend it and argue it. Personal boundaries are what allow one to declare: I exist, and I am such a person, says Leonid Timoshenko — psychologist, leader of the professional community “I am a Psychologist”, founder of the Academy of Transpersonal Psychology.
How to understand that your boundaries are being violated
You need to focus on your state, namely two feelings:
- a feeling of anger;
- a feeling of guilt.
If you feel angry, this is one of the markers that means that your boundaries are being pushed. For example, they impose their opinion on you, physically take your things, sit on your chair.
The second feeling, guilt, arises when you are also manipulated across personal boundaries: you have to do something, although perhaps you are not actually obliged to.
If you had no agreements, then these two feelings show that something is wrong with the boundaries now. And you need to pay attention to this.
What can such a violation lead to?
Violation of personal boundaries leads to the fact that a person simply will not have his own life. People who constantly help others and are ready to do everything for everyone are convenient because they can be manipulated. For example, asking an employee to stay longer, to do work that he should not do.
In relationships, such a person follows other people's opinions and succumbs to manipulation, for example: "you offend me, how could you" or "we don't communicate with your friends anymore." In essence, a person does not live his life, does not rejoice, falls into depression and lives through a deep crisis, asking himself: "who am I and where is my place in the world?"
Why People Can't Defend Their Personal Boundaries
The first reason is that it is not needed in society. Inconvenient people are not needed by anyone, they are ready to defend their point of view on the world. And convenient people are ready to give up their opinion.
The second reason is that they don't teach it. As a child, a child should be convenient: "when you grow up, then you will express your opinion."
But when we grow up, we still don’t understand what it means to have our own opinion, to strive for our uniqueness, for self-expression, for self-knowledge. After all, from childhood, in our family and at school, we are taught not to be different, to be like everyone else, to be good.
And then the person faces a conflict: if I am inconvenient, then I will be bad for others and will be left alone.
The third reason is historical events. In the middle of the 20th century there was a period of unification, because one big united country was needed. Then it was profitable, justified, in order to quickly grow and recover.
At the end of the 20th century, the opposite story began - towards individuality. People began to explore their uniqueness more, to pay attention to what they feel. That is why the topic of personal boundaries is so important now.
How to learn to defend your boundaries
You need to learn to say "yes" and "no" without giving reasons. Usually a person says "no" and always comes up with some reason for refusal. Just "no, thank you" is already an answer.
But saying "yes" is also a manifestation of boundaries, a manifestation of one's desires. Saying "yes" to what I want, "yes" when help is offered. Many people with damaged boundaries immediately say "no" to any offer. They assume that by agreeing to help now, in the future they will be asked to repay the debt.
The second is to look at people who are examples of how to build personal boundaries and imitate them. Imitation is the easiest way for a person to learn at any age. It is an opportunity to play, release the inner actor and just have fun.
Third, develop contact with your body. Ask yourself: “What does my body want? How is it now: tense or relaxed? And now do I want to eat or drink? Do I have any feelings inside?”
Such attention to ourselves brings us back to the body. After all, it is the most important boundaries. Then the experience gained is easily projected onto both the emotional and mental spheres.
Fourth, there is a great exercise. You just walk around the house and answer the question: "Where exactly is mine?" It is not our common that is important, but specifically mine. For example, everyone knows that this chair is only yours, and no one else will sit in it. Or the cup is only yours and only you drink from it. Under no circumstances can anyone else take it.
Do you have such a space? If not, it's great to start creating it. And this is not so much about expanding your living space, but about practicing setting personal boundaries.
Many people find themselves in a situation where they don’t know how to tell their loved ones “this is mine now and no one else’s.” However, it’s important to remember that good personal boundaries start small: things, space, and relationships.
Previously we talked about how to protect your personal boundaries .
