Content
How to Let Go of the Past and Live in Peace
08.06.2024 20:00
People judge the past already having current knowledge and experience.
And at the moment of making decisions and actions (earlier), they proceeded from the situation that existed at that time, that is, from other data.
This is the problem with cognitive distortions in looking at the past.
Unpleasant feelings can be caused not so much by events in the present and the past, but by an erroneously chosen attitude towards them. “It is so, it cannot be otherwise” is a good principle of life for emotionally balanced people who are not inclined to conflicts. Yes, this position is passive, but the most resilient.
There are more active positions, actions characteristic of people. Having strength, energy, such natures try to change the world.
When strength weakens, they accumulate. But a man of action is always visible. If he has such qualities in his character, sooner or later (usually unexpectedly for everyone) he will show them. And in his own way he will be right. Otherwise he cannot live. And pretending to be "different" will not work for long.
Not all events occur as planned, sometimes they occur without taking into account our wishes. Since the present at the next moment becomes lived, past, there is no longer any point in worrying about it, - says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .
Personal choice
For example, a father strives to get his son interested in his business, entrepreneurship, craft. But the son's attitude is cool, the business does not interest him.
Then (attention, mistake) the father, in order not to lose authority and at all costs continue the family dynasty, resorts to various motivational tools, encourages, inspires, persuades... It’s useless.
The son, incomprehensibly for his father, wants to become an artist. And the father is haunted by the information that five generations of men before him "listened to their fathers" and chose a career as a soldier or, for example, a doctor.
Analyzing the situation, it is appropriate to assume that the matter is not so much in the son's choice, but in his protest against the decisions imposed by his father. This, of course, speaks of the character traits of the young man. This alone can be proud - both father and son.
And on the father's side, it is not so much that he himself knows the profession and tries to pass the business on by inheritance (not only that), but in the fear of losing his male - in front of his son - authority. All these features are visible to specialists in accordance with the maxim of psychology "under one look for another."
Accordingly, you can insist to your father on your desire. Many fathers do so. How else? "If not, then I'm not a man..." - a typical argument in action.
But in many cases, sooner or later the son will deviate from the imposed path and choose his own way.
Is it worth getting nervous, reacting emotionally, threatening and worrying about this - about five generations of decent ancestors who built a dynasty, the impossibility of getting “submission” and “respect” from the son himself and, in general, about the “ungrateful” son?
Hardly. This way you put yourself in a clearly disadvantageous position, threatening an emotional breakdown or even worse. In addition, psychological trauma is added to the child.
And all unprocessed childhood traumas have a negative effect on adulthood. Including, they inevitably lead to the destruction of trust in parent-child relationships.
It is much better in such a situation to unobtrusively introduce your son to the area of activity he has chosen and “test it.”
Make every effort to show the “unenviable” sides of the profession.
And if the son still strives for it - leave him alone along with his justified choice. And stop worrying about the past, the present, and the future, helping the child to achieve his goals as best he can.
We don't control everything.
The syndrome of a successful person (athlete, family man, mother – fill in the blank) is characterized by the fact that people, like athletes, find it difficult to bear the absence of new successes – after they have already achieved something.
People of action constantly need new goals and tasks. Like the Cuban athlete Javier Sotomayor, who jumped 2.45 in 1993 and now wants 2.46. And now he is living in the past.
The kneecap is broken, the years go by, and the person looks at photographs of his youth and becomes nostalgic in the manner of - “ah, if only I had done it differently then…” Another option is an endless replay of past events, dialogues.
Such movement through life can be considered acceptable (that’s what memories are for) only if they don’t become stuck in a loop, aren’t systematic, and don’t lead to a loss of quality of life.
The simplest test: what do you feel when remembering specific events in your life? If "warm joy" - conditionally normal.
If the shudder is from the fear experienced or pain in the knee joint - then it is better not to remember. Admit once and for all that we do not control everything in this world and - live in peace.
How to start living in the present
Roughly the same applies to family or couple relationships. Worrying about the shortcomings or "sins" of another is counterproductive. You will not change anything by doing this. And in general, it is advisable not to remember the bad.
If continuing the relationship is acceptable for you, be prepared or take the initiative – depending on whether you are passive or active in your psychological type and style. Be open to the world.
Perhaps, there is someone walking around who will outshine all the joys of the world for you. That is, be open to new things, get up at dawn and thank life for every morning.
What will happen tomorrow – no one knows exactly. But it is obvious that the already accumulated material assets are enough to survive difficult times. Another thing is that people always think it is not enough.
The problem here is the habit of comparing yourself to others, which is no less counterproductive than ambiguous memories of what was done or not done on time.
Comparisons are useless because, firstly, people are not initially in equal conditions – and are born with differences from each other, and secondly, because there are always those who are better and more successful than you, and those who are worse. The only problem is that this is nothing more than your personal opinion, a subjective assessment. In reality, everything can be different.
And it is absolutely certain that a correct comparison must necessarily have clearly defined criteria – you cannot compare “generally”, for example, the Moon and speed. The same with people. Judging a fish by its ability to climb a tree.
Isn't it stupid? Moreover, even if you choose one criterion for comparison, the comparison is meaningless (if it is a methodical, non-scientific study), because the referee does not take into account the difference (time correction) between different moments in time.
At one moment in time, one object can conditionally "win", but it will not be at the peak of success every second and always. Because life itself is in dynamic motion. This is justified, among other things, by individual human biorhythms.
The key to success: harmony and balance
A person needs different impressions and different activities. Intensive work must necessarily be followed by rest.
Reaching the heights of a career or material benefits in a quality life must necessarily be “compensated” by the warmth of the soul and support of a loving and beloved creature nearby, who will appreciate you simply for who you are, and then for everything else.
Without fulfilling these conditions, cognitive dissonance occurs, "distortion", and the person understands perfectly well what the matter is and the cause-and-effect relationship of phenomena. And suffers from this experience. Even if he does not admit it to others.
When the inner and outer worlds are balanced, there is no need to prove to people living in other conditions, flavored with specific situations, your own rightness and psychic reality. It is of no deep interest to anyone except you - by and large.
Different views on the same thing are normal, but why bring it to a conflict of opinions? Especially when we are talking about events that happened in the past.
By refuting alternative points of view, you condemn other people's actions due to your rejection of yourself: you defend outdated beliefs, you show unpreparedness for significant changes. By showing others your intelligence, success, abilities, you demonstrate the desired image.
The problem of patience
Rethinking your role and actions throughout your life is a good thing. But only when it is directed towards improving your experience and personality.
In the reasons for the “mistakes” of behavior and in particular the rethinking of the past, it is futile to regret in general - about anything.
The best position for an adult to take when answering the sacramental question: “How would you live your life again if you had the opportunity to change it?” is not “I would live it the same way, I am happy,” but the best approach is “It will be as it will be, and this is my choice.”
But if you look at the “root” of the problem and figure out why certain desires arise for analysis, comparison, rethinking of actions and even regret about the past, an amazing thing is revealed.
Many of a person’s problems come from impatience, from a lack of humility, from accepting one’s role as it is.
It's about the rebellion of consciousness against reality. You have what you have, but you want more. You need to jump 2.46, but your kneecap is broken. And you have no patience, and you worry.
In conclusion, we will provide three motivating quotes on the topic from Franz Kafka (1883-1924), and everyone will have their own conclusions.
"There are two main human sins from which all others flow: impatience and carelessness. Because of impatience, people are expelled from paradise; because of carelessness, they do not return there. Or maybe there is only one main sin: impatience. Because of impatience, they are expelled; because of impatience, they do not return."
"From a certain point, there is no return. This point must be reached."
"The decisive moment of human development lasts forever. Therefore, revolutionary spiritual movements are right in declaring everything that has gone before to be insignificant, because nothing has happened yet."
Earlier we talked about why women shouldn’t be asked about their age.
