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Why, when we propose a solution to a problem, we do not get what we want? Psychological nuances
15.05.2024 14:02
Despite the wide range of possible meanings that can be assumed behind such a question, there are very specific, general and universal explanations of the cause-and-effect relationship.
So, the factors that influence negative perception of you or the solution to the issue you propose are as follows.
In order to consider a proposal, the other person must understand the question clearly, unambiguously in meaning. A fair expression in meaning is like a clearly formulated question – already half the answer; this is known to many, - says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .
Vague question
However, due to the peculiarities of characters and situations, even a person with a gifted tongue or an education as a linguist is not always able to express his thoughts flawlessly.
Anyone can practice this, even me. After all, the three lines (above) can be written more simply, fit into one sentence. Since 1972, I have heard different opinions: "write more simply, for fools", "don't write at all", "brevity is the soul of talent", "those who write a lot know little", "those who are indiscriminate in their topics know none of them", and even "those who write long, floridly - they admire themselves that way".
I always found it funny to run my eyes over such versions. Any of these messages-opinions can be debunked with arguments and examples. Because they are all both true and false. Much depends on the person and the context, so we should not generalize, but rather pay attention to the details.
Subjective judgments
Here is an example (above) of when and how subjective judgments about others arise – based on their actions. But we evaluate the actions, that is why they speak of judgments – subjective.
That is, formed by a specific person (sometimes by a group of like-minded people) depending on his place in life, status, condition, motives and goal-setting. This is the main and timeless reason for people's divergence of views in general, regardless of the topic of discussion.
Even for this reason, it is pointless to argue with someone, because everyone will stick to their own. A writer, who is full of adverbial phrases and complex sentences, or a doctor of science, who builds verbal constructions from professional terms – they do not “admire themselves”, they cannot do otherwise; this is the originality of style or behavior or communication features brought by education and experience, and sometimes by a divine gift.
Such people do not at all want to offend or hurt anyone by expressing their individuality.
Self-expression happens by itself, and it is impossible to change them, let alone be offended. But you can choose the content, time, place and features of communication, dosing it or limiting it. Believe me, a creative nature will never be offended by this - it simply has no time for you.
So, subjective judgments and the corresponding conditionally negative attitude, rejection arise there and then when you stand out too much; this can be in different forms - from external shocking behavior and style of clothing to a demonstration of strength - intellectual or physical.
To put it simply, few people would lend money to a professor, knowing about his achievements, mental strength, authority and Nobel Prize, and not everyone would help or support a healthy athlete with pumped-up muscles. I don’t want to talk about envy, but this “human engine” is not so easy to suppress in oneself.
Even dubious and ambiguous compliments are connected with it. Hence the intermediate conclusion: if you need help and you expect a positive decision from others – do not show, do not demonstrate force in any form; in this case it is contraindicated.
Human nature is such that we help those who are weak, and not vice versa. Approximately the same influencing factors take place when the question is asked not only vaguely, but also incorrectly.
The other person understands that the decision depends on him, but is not satisfied with the expression, intonation, form or timing of your question.
Untimely
“Untimeliness is an eternal drama, where there is he and she” - these are the vital words from a song once sung by the talented poet and composer Igor Talkov.
Untimeliness has a truly universal meaning in all areas of communication – personal and professional.
When you ask someone a question, you either fall into the niche of its relevance - then you will receive an answer quickly and, as a rule, positively, or in the situation “at the wrong time”, then the question will be considered irrelevant for now and will be postponed for resolution.
Which may cause you some negative emotions. To prevent this from happening, simple attentiveness to the situation and needs of the other person will help.
If you ask a question about the supply of disposable gloves to a flight director at the cosmodrome during the countdown of the last seconds before the launch of a launch vehicle, it is clear that he has no time for you.
"Turn over" or adapt the situation to the reality around you and the person the question is addressed to, and you will understand everything perfectly well. The same applies to family relationships.
The intermediate conclusion is simple - before asking a question (it is clear that it is extremely important for you) - especially a difficult and responsible one - take the trouble to study the situation at a specific moment in time, right down to the mood of the person you want to "burden" with the question. Or do not be surprised at anything. Again, this is how we illustrated an example of attentiveness to others.
He doesn't give a damn
This slang word is quite appropriate here. Your important question, asked to another without taking into account his benefit, is not exactly doomed, but will not be taken seriously and resolved promptly.
Examples of this surround people everywhere: officials who formally respond to reasoned and subjectively fair demands of citizens, husbands who are forced, without taking into account their opinions, into a convenient everyday format of a wife, and wives who experience the jealousy of their husbands (they find it funny, and sometimes it is deliberately fueled out of a sense of self-affirmation), and so on.
These are all endless examples of human stupidity.
In order to reduce it at least where you are able to influence the situation, clarify in advance what the other person wants, what might be convenient, beneficial, bring joy to him, and what will lead to indignation or a cooling of the desire to resolve this or that important (sometimes for the other person too) issue.
It seems to you that you are right, that you have thought everything through and see the situation better, that you are acting on behalf of and with the support of the team or boss (children, grandparents - fill in the blanks), but it is not at all a fact that the other person sees the situation and its prospects in the same way.
He may have his own well-founded opinion. One "outdated" argument like "you knew who you would have to live with (work with and how)" will not do.
Because the meanings of the arguments are different: short-term and long-term; you can agree with one and be against the other.
You just can’t demand that others fulfill your wishes; by and large, this never happens: sooner or later, life presents a “bill for payment,” compensation.
That is why it is better to put the "cherry on the cake" in every question proposed for solution by others (or jointly) - something that pleases or is beneficial to your partner or even opponent. Taking into account his personal interest, attitude and goal-setting.
Then the chances of a positive solution to your question increase greatly. This is what wise people do.
Truly long-term work and family relationships are distinguished by the ability of people to act taking into account the interests of the other party as well: “The smart ones come to an agreement, and the stupid ones break pots and go their separate ways like ships at sea.”
Why is there no result?
A typical question that can be heard is a complaint about "everything and everyone" except oneself - quite often. People with predominantly narcissistic traits in their character have a harder time acting.
But there is a result, and always, the question is in its quality and time; results change over time. It is really difficult for everyone and always to follow the rules and recommendations discussed; it is always easier said than done.
Especially when the situation does not concern you personally.
However, if you at least sometimes adhere to behavior oriented towards the interests of another, a partner, an opponent, a manager, a subordinate (anyone from whom you want to get something), the chances of successful communication and resolving issues in your favor increase.
And the best and most effective situation is when assistance is not only mutually beneficial, but also reciprocal; this is a truly relationship-cementing prospect.
Previously, we talked about how to understand that it’s time for you to take a break from work .
