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Why "ignoring" is useful and what to do if you are being ignored
17.03.2024 17:45
In the field of applied psychology there are no evaluative concepts in relation to definitions or terms.
Ignoring the other, like provocation, are instruments of action, the responsibility for the use of which can be placed on the subject – the one who acts.
In this regard, it is important not to make a mistake in diagnosing the situation.
The use of one or another psychological tool also depends on the character of the subject, his motivation, the characteristics of the situation and the actions of the object, the one to whom this or that influence is directed. Everything is interconnected, - says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .
Reasons for "ignoring"
It follows that ignoring is not necessarily a “super task”, much less a way to harm someone; not a proactive, but rather a passive reaction to the imposition of communication or its elements – proposals that seem unacceptable or untimely.
Ignoring may well be a way of self-defense, it is a person's right to defend oneself, to resist, to leave communication that seems toxic. Sometimes silence is the best answer.
Whether the person being ignored likes it or not is secondary. The main thing is that the behavioral reactions are adequate.
It is often difficult to accept another person's reasonable position because you are trapped in expectations.
Again, subjectively – in accordance with the role that you have come up with or ascribe to yourself and your partner.
In fact, your partner may also see your relationship (your expectations and reactions) in his own subjective way, that is, “falsely”. It’s normal, that’s his right. It may seem to you that the position of the ignoring partner:
- directed against you, that is, a personal projection with negative aspirations;
- comes from a person who has no right to such “impudence” towards you;
- is an element of provocation to force you to take some action (inaction).
There may be other “subjective delusions”, it’s impossible to tell everything.
As a rule, none of this is entirely true, that is, it is nothing more than a subjective idea of what the person ignoring you is doing or wants to achieve.
Understanding this simple truth is available not only to a psychoanalyst, but also to you - after some time has passed; therefore it is rightly believed that time "heals". It does not heal in the direct sense, of course, but a series of events significantly reduces the severity of reactions or expectations over time.
The benefits of "ignoring" for you
First of all, it is appropriate to talk about rethinking experience. We learn throughout our lives or, as Octavia Paz said: a person asks himself the same questions throughout his life, only the answers change.
Once again, it is appropriate to return to the importance of critical thinking (yours) and remember that people are equal, no one owes anything to another. The actions of a person and a partner are always his good will.
The situation is somewhat complicated if your partner, under the influence of his own (in response to your) emotions, carelessly promised you a lot, and you perceive the promise as a guarantee. This is stupid. Hope is a wonderful feeling, but there are several nuances here.
Let us explain: it is necessary to trust a person, without trust it is impossible to build long-term relationships, you need to rely on a “foundation” and (or) a set of rules that you jointly recognize. That is, agree on actions in critical situations - on boundaries or “red lines”.
When you rethink the situation, you realize that you were under the influence of inflated expectations from your partner, and it was not his fault at all, or at least not only his.
The problem of trust
It is clear that they can also be violated (only an insurance policy provides guarantees), but if you have outlined a “set of rules” and agreed, then your relationship is safer, and the level of trust in each other is much higher.
Than, say, in a situation where you think that you are loved, and then you invent the meanings and boundaries of this concept (and your partner may think differently - in detail). At the same time, both are sure that they "love" and each in their own way.
This is the criticality of the situation or the time bomb in your relationship. It is especially relevant during quarrels, when the expectations of behavioral reactions in relation to the other are different.
There were examples in practice when a lady often used the definition and expression "humanly". At the same time, her "humanity" is highly questionable. This does not indicate her or his inferiority, but it does indicate a different understanding and development prospects of the situation by the parties. Accordingly, different reactions follow.
Why do such reactions occur and what precedes them – besides the error of expectations (which is extremely important)? Because you may be highly susceptible to narcissism and not only do not see, do not understand the true desires and plans of your partner, but also do not want or are unable to understand them. It seems to you that they are unimportant. Or secondary, because what is primary (in your opinion) is what you were promised in words. Everyone has the right to such a delusion, and we do not give assessments. But to expect in such circumstances, and even more so to force another, to exert psychological pressure, to demand and remind even about what was promised – is unproductive.
You can react like that, who forbids you? But in this case, your partner will ignore you. Not because you are bad or some kind of "German-pepper-sausage", but because you force him with your obsessive actions to admit his mistakes (no one tolerates this for long) or to engage in actions in a form or at a time when he does not want to or does not even have the opportunity. Therefore, he "turns on" "ignore" in relation to you. In fact, you become an obstacle to the quality of his life.
Options depending on the situation
There are several possible scenarios. In disputes with loved ones, refer to the current situation. Do not bring up the past.
It is difficult to fix what has been done, and you are still capable of complicating the relationship. You either break up completely, or remain in a situation of "emotional swings" for as long as you like. If you do not want to break up, be patient and adapt to your partner. This is only your life and your decision.
When the partner "cools down" from emotions and the level of "ignoring" decreases or disappears altogether. Then he - not without your help - feels directly or indirectly his guilt for "past behavior" (ignoring you), accordingly, wants to make amends for it, compensate and gets closer to you.
Until another ill-considered attempt on your part to live in a relationship only by your rules, without taking his into account. In general, the situation is “eternal struggle”, and therefore hopeless, although it is filled with emotions and claims.
But this, of course, is only one example of a possible development of events.
Therefore, the most reasonable answer is as simple as Columbus's egg: if you are being ignored, mind your own business and do not ignore new connections and offers, leave your "object of affection" alone.
And remember, it is often even more lucky and happy not to get what you want than to get your “dream” along with its problems. Understanding what has been said, you become not only more experienced, but also more mature and tolerant of the shortcomings of others. That is, you undoubtedly improve and grow.
Earlier we talked about how to protect yourself from feeling disappointed in people .
