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How to recognize manipulation and avoid its influence
08.02.2024 18:30
Manipulation in the psychological sense has nothing to do with moving your hands or controlling a joystick, like buttons and sensors.
However, it is an effective mechanism for getting what you want.
The impact on an object can be not only hidden, but also quite open, and in all cases it is a method of influencing the structures of the human psyche.
There is no one in this world who has never been a "manipulator" or "an object of influence" of a manipulator. If you follow the path of each person from childhood, then a person finds himself dependent on circumstances and place in a communication group (a group can consist of two) many times. Therefore, there are no "non-manipulators" among people in nature, - says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov .
As usual, everything important is hidden in the details. The habit of manipulating others is a pattern of behavior, and if a person achieves success, she remembers the method and continues to act in it.
Even unconsciously – as a habit – manipulation is very common in work and personal relationships and conceals deception. Therefore, a manipulator (conditionally, because who are we to label and diagnose without asking) is a person who systematically resorts to such a method of influence.
The key word here is systematically.
Some signs of manipulation
You, as an object of someone's manipulation, also systematically learn to feel it. It is not enough to feel emotional discomfort, an unpleasant feeling of confusion, anxiety. You need to define it precisely.
This is why it takes some time to communicate with a specific person in order to understand and verify situations without error.
An imposed opinion, judgment about something or someone also falls under the signs of manipulation. As well as persistence in making a specific decision. You did not make it for various reasons, but you are reminded, sometimes accompanied by the words that "you promised."
As a result, if you are not prepared, you may feel guilty. This is what the manipulator wants – it is easier to control. If you are guilty – correct yourself. “It all depends on you” is a typical phrase of the manipulator. The hackneyed phrase “well, you are a man” (prove it) is also about this.
Options may include incitement to "fight with someone", involvement in an unknown situation, which the manipulator has studied very well and foresees, like in chess, your actions several moves ahead. That is, intrigue in the typical sense.
At the same time, you are forced to make decisions for which you alone are responsible (and they will not fail to remind you of this). What does the manipulator lose in this situation – almost nothing. He/she has long since come to terms with the fact that “the loss is small.”
While you… can lose a lot, starting with peace and emotional balance. And as we know, in an unbalanced state a person makes more mistakes.
The manipulator usually does not apologize. What is there to apologize for?
Possible countermeasures
Any compliments and arguments, when you are flattered, pleasing or praised (seemingly without reason) are the first sign of a manipulator. Agree that such attempts happen quite often.
And even without the help of this article, you sense a catch and ask yourself (and maybe not only yourself) a logical question - "what do they want from me?" This is already a good sign - half of your success.
And the typical difficulty when interacting with manipulators is that it is impossible or very difficult to influence a person, to "tempt" him, if he himself does not want it. Everyday and life situations in general cannot be described in two paragraphs.
As a rule, communication with manipulators is not something that is pleasant, but is tolerable for the object itself. For a number of reasons. Let's consider a practical example.
There is a woman who is used to managing, she, let’s say, has (like everyone else) some positive qualities (except for her external data) that attract you.
You feel regular attempts to manipulate you from her side, and if you are mentally healthy, resist this; who likes this: for your time, for your money, with the help of your resources (actions, decisions) he (she) gets what he (she) wants, while it is not clear what you get. But by resisting the manipulator, you do not break up with him.
Because you are emotionally involved in communication and gradually get used to it. Why do I need another one, you ask the "Albanian question" into nowhere, because this one is so good (in some ways), and besides, "they are all the same".
Then the emotional confrontation between the conventional victim – you and the manipulator – continues, almost a game of “ping-pong”. That is, with varying success: you don’t want to break up – otherwise you would have done it already, but you also can’t stand it.
A very difficult and dramatic situation, first of all for you. It is clear that the "game" of feelings is going with varying success, but... In such a scenario, he/she will win sooner or later. And at the most unexpected moment. But do you want this?
In this regard, the best way is to end the relationship. And the sooner, the better. As the famous Master of Science Dmitry Gusev said, The sooner, the better.
If you don't have such emotional strength yet and you are thinking of playing with the manipulator further, get ready for many negative events. He/she will do everything that he/she needs, and will blame you at least by simple logic: "Now you are behaving well, but remember how you offended me a year and a half ago - we were going to the theater, and you called a taxi late" - and so on.
You are perplexed how such seemingly insignificant details can influence the relationship, even if you have lived together for 25 years. In the family, the manipulator looks for "spectators" and influences through them - relatives, children - extremely unpleasantly.
There is no need to look for reasons. There is only one main reason: it does not matter how and what the manipulator says. What is important is that he makes you guilty even of his own "screw-ups". That is why - see above - The sooner, the better.
What to do
In difficult practice, a conversation with a stranger helps. He will not give you away, since he sees you for the first and last time. But from the outside - "from a third" person, he will explain the situation to you well. It is desirable that this person be of the opposite (relative to you) sex - so there is more attention to detail.
In conclusion, it is appropriate to say - to ease your lot - a pleasant word for you. You can't live your life without manipulators. And one more thing.
The best way to avoid being influenced by a manipulator is to have an independent position and a conditional substitute (to the manipulator); then you are less exposed to danger, because you simply “don’t care” or are close to it; you stand confidently on your feet.
If it's really bad and you can't stand it and you don't want to leave, then go "to air out your suit" - the forest, fishing, friends, football, a monastery, a country residence - literally to nowhere. And this is the only way to save yourself. And at the same time, calmly think about the situation.
Yes, it’s not that simple… The wonderful actor Yuri Solomin in the film “An Ordinary Miracle” (directed by Mark Zakharov, 1978) tells the main character: “You won’t find peace, lock yourself in a monastery – loneliness will remind you of it.”
That is why in this case a man should avoid loneliness by all means. But it is possible to distance oneself from the "manipulator" for a while and it will be beneficial for everyone.
Remember the main thing. Smooth and happy relationships are called such because they are mentally balanced, not "skewed", based on trust and mutual respect for each other, such difficult, and on the other hand, simple to understand patterns of behavior of a man and a woman in achieving their own, sometimes selfish interests.
As soon as you feel this imbalance (sometimes it even reminds you of itself intuitively) – remember our recommendations and manipulative practices in general.
Earlier we listed things that should not be kept on the table: they promise trouble.
