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How to suppress the desire to take revenge on another
28.01.2024 19:18
Updated: 09.08.2024 12:36
Communication in society with people like oneself involves “giving” and “receiving” not only material values, but also emotions.
Revenge as a deliberate phenomenon and an attempt to punish another is already a consequence, the apogee of the thought process, the “solution to the problem” and the “tip of the iceberg”.
Before a person takes the appropriate action, some time passes, sometimes a long time.
So revenge can be linked to a cumulative effect too. During this period of reflection, anticipation and “preparation,” it is extremely important to control emotions so that they do not cause problems in the future.
There is expectation in human communication. Expectation in consciousness is formed in a specific form (variants), but it is rarely associated with refusal and a negative answer. On the contrary, it is human nature to hope.
To hope at least for an adequate expected answer. At the same time, the demand for the fairness of the other's answer is in every person. And the problem leading to vindictiveness arises when a person subjectively, and therefore erroneously (without taking into account the opinion of the other) represents the situation and the opinion of the other on it, - says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
When factors associated with the expectation of a “good” answer are either untimely or destroy the hope for the expected answer, there is a reaction from the other.
A practical example. In January 2024, two teenage girls are talking on the street, one of them utters the "magic phrase" with emotion: "You'll still crawl to me on your knees." And they both part like ships at sea.
Bad habits are an unprocessed gestalt
The habit of taking revenge for an insult, humiliation or wrong done to a child comes from childhood; in many ways, parents contribute to such behavioral reactions in a child. Either by their example, which the child observes, or intentionally, when they advise children who tell stories about how they were treated unfairly to "pay back in kind."
For the same reason, the child gets used to remembering the offense. Instead of immediately clarifying and forgetting it in normal communication. Of course, there are cases when communication is impossible due to several reasons, but an important rule typically works.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and decisively. If you are the one who was insulted (as you believe), do not distance yourself from contact with the offender. Yes, by taking revenge or limiting communication you are sending the message to the other person - "you can't do that to me." But give him/her a second chance.
Communication errors
Yes, in post-Lacanian psychoanalysis there is a well-founded opinion that a person should not forgive another person (not necessarily, not necessary – for a healthy psyche).
Because the "fairness" (or not) perceived by a person is nothing more than one of the cognitive distortions. But this argument also requires a more profound clarification than the format of our note. Sometimes in a confidential conversation one can better understand each other. Understand and, perhaps, forgive.
A common misconception is that communication is a one-way street and it is possible to impose your views on others. This is why you can often see people trying to have the "last word". A self-confident professional does not use this dubious technique - there is no need.
A communication error is a misunderstanding: you think that others have the same level of understanding of the subject under discussion and the same worldview (as you), that their perception of the situation is the same. This is wrong.
So what should we do then?
Resolve the dilemma
We think that we are unable to bear the insult. Accordingly, we do not want and do not bear it without reciprocation. This is reality, and it is bad from a moral point of view. However, from the point of view of maintaining mental health, a person must react immediately, and not accumulate emotions, experiencing them for a long time.
Therefore, it is better not to take revenge. But if you take revenge, then do it right away: give back the "evil" and do not worry about it. It is clear that a sophisticated and talented offender will not agree with us in this - he needs to think through the act of revenge well in order to camouflage it.
Avoid responsibility or even save reputation. It is interesting that in anticipation of revenge, a person's hormonal "background" and blood composition change. People feel conditionally better, hatching plans to punish the offender.
But anger only enhances the pleasure of revenge in the short term. We are not talking about criminal elements or opportunities, but in a general human sense.
The right attitude towards revenge
The avenger acts without knowing or forgetting the wisdom: there is no need to run after a dog to bite it because it bit me. Therefore, to take revenge or not is a question of your attitude. We are not dogs… Although we are mammals of a higher order.
Another thing that needs to be thought about in a timely manner: your vengeful actions on the part of others look really funny, being a free show and spectacles for society (witnesses) (a need that has been recorded since the times of the Roman Empire – “bread and circuses”).
In addition, you are mistaken in believing that other people do not understand and are not able to see the cause and effect of your revenge; that is, even hiding your emotions in every possible way, you are unlikely to deceive anyone in discussions about you.
Revenge will rarely help resolve a conflict. Rather, it will provoke a response - immediately or later, when you least expect it. "Before you seek revenge, dig two graves" - the idea is attributed to the philosopher, born on June 4, 551 BC, Kong Qiu. Or Kong Fu Tzu (a teacher from the Kongs, or Confucius in simple terms. And is it worth it?
Therefore, realized revenge brings mixed emotions, especially after some time, but nothing can be changed.
The alternative is this. It is better to look at the matter rationally, to turn all misunderstanding into a joke. Because laughter (sarcasm and humor) is a truly useful and universal way of reacting even to difficult cases, which fill our "life".
Practical examples
When planning or anticipating revenge, a person is in the "mode" of cyclical thoughts. In this situation (and in general - it works universally), in order to lead a person "out of the cycle", he needs to be surprised.
Come up with something unusual, make an effort to think, do not copy templates from the Internet. For example, ask your offender: "How long will you do nasty things? Will you have enough nuketemeron for this or will you need your whole life?"
Finding out what lies behind the word nuktemeron (a combination of the Greek words nyks (night) and hemera (day), an alternative designation for day and night) will distract the “enemy” and move your communication towards a more reasonable one – to the benefit of all parties.
Or like this. When thinking about implementing a plan for revenge, give a name to your emotions, think not about the place (not about another), but about your emotions and mental state. To do this, test yourself.
Rate your irritability on a scale of 1 to 10 and write it down. Do the same on subsequent days. When you rate your anger at least on a simplified scale of criteria, your physiological symptoms and emotions become less powerful in their impact on your mind. This can “calm your nerves.”
Often people act according to a pattern, like a train of a dress for a princess, it stretches from childhood. But this does not mean that "habit is second nature" does not need reasonable and justified change.
As a rule, a person chooses his own reactions to events. And with a wise approach, it is quite possible to avoid both revenge and the complications that follow it.
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