A psychologist told how to cope with envy and hatred towards successful people
06.01.2024 21:04
Updated: 07.01.2024 23:53
How to Stop Hating Those Who Are Better Than You: Practical Advice from a Psychologist
Do you feel short of breath and your temples pounding when you see other people achieving success?
Do you feel angry when you are told about the achievements of “your mother’s friend’s son”? If so, it’s time to learn how to cope with envy and hatred of successful people.
These emotions are very common and even natural for humans. However, constant bitterness can be very harmful to your mental health, self-esteem, and relationships with others.
Envy and hatred can lead to depression, aggression, isolation and self-destruction.
Photo: personal archive of Stanislav Sambursky
How can you deal with these negative emotions and stop hating those who have achieved more than you?
Why do we envy and sometimes hate successful people?
Envy is a feeling of dissatisfaction with another person because he or she has something that you do not have.
Hatred is a feeling of disgust or hostility towards someone or something.
Both of these emotions are related to our comparison of ourselves to other people and our desire to be better or equal to them.
Psychologist Sambursky identifies several factors that contribute to the emergence of envy and hatred:
Low self-esteem. People who are unsure of their abilities, worth, and value tend to compare themselves to others and feel inferior. They may envy those who are more successful, make more money, or are naturally attractive.
People with low self-esteem may hate those who make them feel threatened: someone who will pass them over at work, steal their boyfriend, etc.
Unrealistic expectations.People who set goals that are too high or unattainable risk becoming disillusioned with themselves and their lives.
Such people may envy those who seem more successful or look happier. At the same time, perfectionists may hate those who prevent them from achieving their dreams or criticize them for their mistakes.
Injustice. People who feel that they are deprived of something they deserve (attention, recognition, money), or that they suffer discrimination, often feel envy towards those who have more privileges and opportunities, those who have managed to use their initial position or the influence of loved ones to achieve success.
How to recognize envy in yourself and others
Envy and hatred are hidden and, for many, shameful emotions that people often do not admit to themselves or try to find a decent justification for. However, such emotions can manifest themselves in behavior, thinking, and speech.
Here are some signs that may indicate the presence of envy and hatred:
Avoidance or rejection. People who have become envious may avoid contact with those people who cause envy or hatred, and may begin to reject them as individuals.
Their achievements are ignored, holidays are deliberately ignored, and any emotional or actual support is stopped. In advanced cases, people out of envy begin to speak badly about the objects of envy and gossip about them.
Criticism or insult.Criticizing or insulting those people who cause envy or hatred, trying to diminish their value or merits is one of the first signs to pay attention to. Finding fault with shortcomings, mistakes and weaknesses, ridiculing, mocking - all these are the favorite actions of envious people.
Rivalry or enmity.The resulting sharp rivalry and even enmity may be caused by envy or hatred.
Constantly comparing yourself with more successful colleagues and competing with them in any field is one of the tactics of envious people. In some cases, this professional competition turns into sabotage and a destructive desire “let it be bad for me, but only so that Natasha doesn’t get a promotion.”
How to overcome envy and hatred towards successful people
Envy and hatred are destructive emotions that not only spoil our relationships with other people, but also hinder our personal growth and development. Therefore, it is important to learn how to cope with these feelings and turn them into positive ones.
Envy and hatred can appear not only at work; powerful passions can boil in relationships with neighbors.
Imagine that you live in an ordinary apartment building and know your neighbors on the landing. One of them, Andrey, works in the same company as you, but in a higher position.
His salary is higher, he drives a new car, dresses fashionably and stylishly, often throws parties and goes on holiday abroad three times a year.
You live modestly on your salary, travel by public transport, buy clothes on sale and rarely allow yourself any entertainment.
Every time you see Andrey or hear about his successes, you feel a sense of envy and even hatred. You think that he does not deserve his position, he is just lucky or a crook who steals at work.
To console yourself, you try to find some shortcomings in him or find mistakes in his work. When you meet him in the yard, you begin to avoid communicating with him and, seeing him from afar, you try to change your route so as not to say “hello” once again.
Destructive dreams appear about Andrey losing his job, the bank taking his car, his friends turning their backs on him.
This attitude towards your neighbor not only does not bring you any benefit, but also harms you.
You waste your energy and time on negative thoughts and feelings that poison your soul and depress your spirit. You cannot enjoy your life and your achievements because you always compare yourself to Andrey.
You can't improve your situation or solve your problems because you always blame Andrey and the "furry paw" that promoted him for your misfortunes.
How can we get out of this stagnation and stop envying and hating our neighbor?
Psychologist Sambursky gave some practical advice for this:
Acknowledge your envy and hatred. The first step to overcoming these emotions is to acknowledge them and admit them to yourself. Don’t be ashamed or deny your feelings, but try to understand why you feel them. What specifically makes you envy or hate Andrey? What does he have or do that you don’t or can’t? How does this affect your self-esteem or well-being? How does it affect your behavior or relationships?
Change your focus. The second step is to stop focusing on Andrew and his life and turn your attention to yourself and your life. Stop comparing yourself to him and competing with him. Look at your strengths, your accomplishments, your goals, and your desires. What can you do or know better than Andrew? What have you done or received that you can be proud of? What do you want or can do to improve your life or solve your problems?
Develop your gratitude . The third step is to learn to be grateful for what you have, rather than regretting what you don’t. Gratitude is one of the most powerful tools for improving your mood and life satisfaction. Try to find at least three things you are grateful for every day: it could be your family, your job, your health, your home, your hobby, your pet, or something else. Express your gratitude in words or actions: say thank you, give flowers, give a compliment, help someone.
Improve your relationships.The fourth step is to build or improve your relationships with Andrey and other people. Relationships are one of the most important factors for our happiness and well-being.
Try to change your attitude towards Andrey: don’t consider him an enemy or a rival, but look at him as a person with his own strengths and weaknesses, with his own joys and difficulties, with his own dreams and fears.
Try to find something in common with him: of course, the first thing is your common work, perhaps your similar interests, your problems or your goals in life.
Try to communicate with him in a friendly and open manner: first, stop turning away and say hello to him, ask about his affairs, share your ideas or opinions, ask for his advice or help.
The next step is to try to expand your social circle: find new friends or colleagues who will support you and help you.
By following these tips, you can overcome your envy and hatred of successful people and become more content and happy with yourself and your life.
Changing your view of achievements will help you improve your relationships with others and become more friendly and responsive. You will understand that success is not what other people have, but what you do for yourself and your loved ones.
