Psychologist Anna Sedelnikova told how to find a way out of a conflict situation
To begin with, I would like to note that we have many beliefs and attitudes on the topic of conflict:
Anna Sedelnikova, psychologist, transformational psychologist, sports psychologist, told how to find a way out of a conflict situation.
"Conflict is bad", "conflict is scary", "conflict is dangerous", "conflict is destructive", conflict means someone will lose, conflict means someone will get hurt, conflict is difficult to control and finally should be avoided at all costs.
But most people never see conflict as an opportunity to heal developmental traumas and become closer to each other.
And this is unfortunate, because it is impossible to move away from certain behavior patterns without conflict resolution skills. Another time when conflict can serve as a signal that you are involved in a psychological game.
Many people, when a conflict arises, are ready to crawl under the table or run away. And here we can simply talk about insufficient experience in resolving a conflict, in which others are not hurt emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually.
This is precisely what leads to the above-mentioned beliefs about conflict.
There are several types of people with different approaches to conflict. Some approach conflict more passively and enter into conflict expecting to end it as a victim.
The best they can hope for is to be pitied and thus satisfy their need. Others approach conflict more aggressively and usually end it in the role of the aggressor. Usually in this role they hide their need for closeness and feel safe by keeping others at a distance.
They do not want others to think they are wrong or responsible for the conflict, as this may indicate their shortcomings. In turn, this may break down their defenses and make them vulnerable to criticism or shame. The easiest way for such people to resolve conflicts is to avoid it at all costs.
Over time, people realize that their isolation and their reactions in conflict situations lead to them feeling isolated, lonely and alienated.
When this condition becomes painful enough, they can decide to make a new choice. A different choice, as opposed to constant fear and attempts to protect themselves. It is very important to come to the learning of two kinds of knowledge: knowledge of the other and knowledge of oneself.
Both of these types of knowledge require empathy. Only compassion and care for your wounded child and the equally wounded inner child of another can help you use conflict situations to learn more about yourself and others.
So, here are some universal recommendations for resolving conflict:
- Timeframe for conflict resolution
- Each side expresses its own view of the conflict. It is important for both sides to come to a mutual understanding that the conflict exists before attempting to resolve it.
- Each side voices the desired outcome of the conflict
- It is important to be able to change places and feel the other
- Try not to complain and state directly what you want. If someone complains, ask directly what they want from you.
- contact the person with whom the conflict occurred directly, without resorting to third parties
- agree to maintain your agreements for a certain period of time, so you can see if they are effective
- Learn to be calm about conflict. After all, conflict is sometimes a way to build boundaries. Old patterns of behavior may change over time, but don't start by rethinking the idea of conflict right away.
Instead of imagining the horror of what happened, look at the conflict as a path full of new opportunities, ideas for development and growth together. This often requires staying in the relationship.
