Why do people suffer: a psychologist's answer
The question may seem absurd at first glance. After all, it would seem that who would willingly want to suffer? But in reality, people themselves are the creators of their states, including negative ones. And suffering is one of the most common negative experiences.
Only in most cases the nature of the choice of this state may not be realized by the person himself. Let's look into this issue in more detail.
The state of suffering itself originates within a person in response to external circumstances, says Dmitry Stepanov, an expert at the online publication Belnovosti, a psychologist and transformational trainer.
Let's say some unpleasant life situation occurs, as a result of which a person begins to torture himself, blame, feel ashamed, rebuke, get angry, lament, or otherwise spin a negative spiral inside himself.
At the same time, as often happens, the lion's share of external situations may not seem so serious that a person internally tortures himself with suffering.
As a rule, the main source of suffering here is the human mind, which is capable of turning a situation from a fly into an elephant, thinking up, exaggerating and growing the problem to majestic proportions.
Surely many have witnessed a common everyday situation when two people have diametrically opposed attitudes towards the same issue. Let's give a simple example.
Two motorists get into a minor accident, which results in minor damage to the bumpers of their cars. Neither of them is hurt, both have insured cars. There is no catastrophe. People can calmly go about their business without any significant losses. The first motorist takes this calmly, without stress, accepting the situation as it is. The second, in turn, begins to panic, spin, exaggerating the scale of the problem. In fact, both are in the same external circumstances, but inside himself, the second driver chooses a scenario of suffering. What can control him?
This is a typical victim position. In other words, the position of an offended child. Only in this case, the child is already an adult. And he was offended not by the strict kindergarten teacher, but by the "harsh" outside world.
The state of suffering and the position of a victim go hand in hand, like a thread with a needle. A person, being in the position of a victim and suffering, psychologically tries to get hidden benefits through a feeling of pity. In society, it is accepted to pity the weak, to do them a favor.
In other words, to give a head start, as to a child who is a priori weaker. This is a hidden version of unconscious manipulation, which children often use.
In childhood, a person gets used to the fact that this is a working scheme, thanks to which you can quickly get what you want: attention, love, care, discounts, etc. Therefore, by suffering, it is much simpler and easier to achieve the desired result from other people than to take responsibility into your own hands.
