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Psychologists have named 3 phrases that are quietly killing your relationship. You are definitely saying them
13.02.2025 07:34
“You ruined everything as always!” she said, not even suspecting that these words would be the last straw.
According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, 68% of couples break up not because of cheating or money, but because of toxic phrases that eat away at trust over the years.
Psychotherapist John Gottman , who has been studying divorce for 40 years, warns: "Words can be silent love killers. Before you know it, they can turn your partner into a stranger."
The first dangerous killer phrase
"You never..." or "You always..." Generalizations like "You never listen to me!" force a person into the role of "eternal loser."
As Psychology Today writes, the brain perceives such phrases as a judgment, not constructive criticism.
Michael , 34, admitted on Medium : "After the hundredth 'you always forget to take out the trash' I stopped trying. Why bother if I've already been 'judged'?"
The second destructive phrase is “Calm down!”
She does not resolve the conflict, but shifts the blame onto the one who is emotional.
Dr. Sue Johnson , the author of EFT, explains: “It’s like telling a hungry person, ‘Stop wanting to eat!’ It makes the person feel like their pain is unimportant.”
Anonymous comment from Reddit chat: "When I was crying over a miscarriage, he said, 'Stop being hysterical.' We divorced a month later."
The third forbidden phrase is “Do whatever you want.”
It seems harmless, but behind it lies passive aggression. A study from the University of California found that such “permissions” are four times more likely to lead to an emotional breakup.
"I said 'do whatever you want' when he wanted to meet his friends," Oksana writes in the Telegram channel "About Love." "A year later, he left for the one who asked: 'What time will you be back?'"
But there's good news: As Gary Chapman , author of The 5 Love Languages, says, you can replace destructive phrases with questions.
Instead of "You never..." - "How can we fix this?" Instead of "Calm down" - "Tell me how you feel."
Jared and Lisa's story from the Love Letters podcast proves that replacing killer words with "I-statements" saved their marriage after 10 years of "silent war."
