Content
How to Deal with Doubts on the Path to Starting a Family
12.07.2024 14:05
There are many different fears that paralyze the will and prevent not only from achieving what you want, but even from starting to act.
Fear of the unknown, fear of being unappreciated, of making mistakes, fear of criticism and even of success; there is also this one - if you succeed, your life may change irreversibly.
There is a name for the situation when you seem to be doing something, but at the same time regularly get a negative result: doubts and mistrust, and this predetermines both goals and methods.
One thing is clear: the main significant reason why you still doubt or do nothing in a certain direction is your own unwillingness to do so, or rather, it is not your main task.
Simply put, you would like more, but choosing the means, and for now you are fine as is. That is, the reason is not in someone, but in the specific person himself, thinking (even if justified by experience) in the manner of "I don't really want this, and it's fine as is," says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
That is, you have more important tasks - career, earnings, children and other assets. At first glance, you want a result, but not just any result and certainly not just with whom. Conventionally, such behavior can be likened to swinging on a rocking chair - back and forth.
This condition is caused by characteristic features, accumulated experience and, in general, excess of assets, and sometimes developed self-conceit. Experts call this the term "overtraining".
However, there is always a cause and effect relationship.
Fears
Each person has their own vision of the "ideal", their role and their image (their beloved self), because you understand that it seems impossible to live otherwise. In fact, this is inaccurate and subjective. Simply put, it only seems that way to you. From the outside, you are seen differently.
It can be scary, for example, to take steps towards each other and offer to live together, to actually start a family.
The corresponding fears arise: loss of image (what if he/she sees my shortcomings – they can be different), loss of time, material assets and, most importantly, mental suffering, from which the human consciousness tries in every possible way to escape – such is the defensive reaction.
Other fears are related to the instability of one’s own position, the possibility of your behavior being discussed and condemned by loved ones, fears that you will not have enough strength, abilities, or even intelligence.
The reasons for fears are self-doubt, sometimes carefully hidden, as well as factual knowledge about oneself and the experience that has already been accumulated by life.
But even if you are “all bruised from the blows of fate” and past imperfect relationships with the opposite sex, it is difficult to admit this to yourself; you drive away such thoughts as unimportant and even dangerous. In the hope that everything that happened in the past were mistakes, and not even yours. You were simply not appreciated – the wrong people “got caught”.
If you don’t think about yourself in this projection, as most people typically do, regardless of their level of education and status, then you can’t expect a good result; you will always get roughly comparable results and have people with the same psychological type as partners.
Some call it the "crown of celibacy", and experts are unanimous in their opinion about the wrong "position of oneself", when, expecting a lot from a partner, you yourself are not the ideal. That is, you plan to select someone according to your "settings" and then "finish correcting" another (not yourself). This is the mistake. But a very typical one.
Self-correction
It is advisable to correct only yourself. The other person will correct himself and will appreciate it if you become irreplaceable for him. It is about working on yourself, not on the world, circumstances or your partner.
Thus, to fight doubts, you need to fight fear. Including the fear of making a mistake. In addition, doubts before a serious step to create a family are based on people's inattention, unwillingness to pay attention to another; otherwise, everything would be more understandable and easier to solve.
An interesting and quite understandable concept was expressed by the writer N. V. Gogol in the final part of the poem “Dead Souls”.
“Which of you, my dear readers, full of Christian compassion, not openly, but in silence – alone, in moments of solitude or conversations with yourself, will deepen within your own soul this difficult question – “is there not in me, in myself, some kind of nastiness?”
And will not want to make himself better, more worthy of the title of man, with all his might. You are afraid of a profound gaze. You are afraid to direct a deep gaze at yourself or at anything. You like to glance over everything with unthinking eyes…"
But it is difficult to admit it: after all, you are already living the way you want, the way you are used to, you have promised, and perhaps even publicly declared your goals. And you think that this is all... It is already shameful to wait, be afraid and do nothing in such a situation, and it is very scary to rush headlong into it.
That is why they create "external forms" and "advertise" them, spreading illusions of vigorous activity for months, if not years. And as a result, they continue to doubt.
Doubts also arise when you are especially striving for the ideal partner. You do not agree to less, in the manner of "it is better not to do something than to do it poorly."
Developed perfectionism prevents us from achieving a harmonious emotional background and can lead to anxiety disorder and depression. Procrastination distracts us from the main thing. Because it is typical to postpone frightening tasks and decisions, desperately procrastinate and eventually experience paralysis of action. This is part of a vicious circle.
Too much choice and recommendations
There are so many different recommendations, courses, consultations and services that anyone's head will get clouded. Thinking about this, you need to understand that all these "gurus" talk about the typical, "in general", and sometimes even compile the same information, fertilizing it with different forms and expressions.
We forget that all these psychologists and generally experienced people have never been in our specific circumstances. The essence is always the same.
Firstly, no one knows the exact recipe for success and happiness. Because both are constant work, including on yourself. You can draw a lucky ticket, find a wallet stuffed with bills and meet a person with high moral and business qualities or someone who will especially “hook” you with something (everyone has their own expectations and preferences).
But if you don’t make an effort on yourself, you can lose such a specimen due to various reasons of your own imperfection.
Even people who are relatively happy in their family life, having lived with their partner for decades, are well aware of the absence of an ideal. Here one can only comment on the fact that life with a specific partner can be “convenient” and “habitual”.
In a manner - why look for another, if "this one" is predictable, sometimes dependent, shortcomings are known, therefore, in behavioral reactions is not dangerous. Besides, "they are all the same".
Secondly, the homespun truth has been known for a long time and is suggested in the books of the Bible: "love one another." It is unthinkable not to respond to true love in its actual, not nominal manifestations. You cannot insult with love. But if you deliberately push another to your advantage, otherwise - use - then problems, fears, and doubts arise.
A large choice of partners and means of achieving goals around is not always good. If there are too many options - there are more doubts. When it is necessary to take decisive action, a person begins to doubt, endlessly think, sort out the shortcomings or, conversely, the advantages of another, which seem unrealistic according to subjective experience.
Doubts continue with suspicions that the partner is "too good" and therefore hiding something, of course, to gain trust and then deceive in a shameful way. A person who thinks like this typically does not understand that he judges and compares another in his own image and likeness. And he continues to search in the hope of finding the most suitable one.
Of course, missing out on the worthy ones. “Doubts gnaw at us, I am not happy about these doubts/ This vile heaviness in the chest breaks love/ And while we sit and suffer, whine at the slammed gates/ They are already hitting us with whatever they can find – in the eye or in the eyebrow” (Yu. V. Shevchuk). For when a good man asks for your hand in marriage, you have to act quickly.
The danger of a rich choice was confirmed by scientists, experimenting in different areas. Thus, people were more willing to buy a product if 5-6 options from the assortment were offered. And they refused to buy if the choice consisted of two dozen. By the way, marketers and store owners, knowing the peculiarities of choice, deliberately do not offer too much abundance, and not because there is not enough retail space.
What to do
Limit your choice and act. You won't stop thinking and analyzing, but you can calm down on the fact that there is no ideal. And sometimes an unpresentable "option" unexpectedly has many hidden advantages.
Moreover, a person (any person) is so complex that in different situations he/she displays his/her characteristic features and inclinations differently. Therefore, it is necessary to take into account that if the previous marriage of a potential partner was dissolved, the situation may repeat itself. But this does not mean that it will repeat itself with the same scenario.
In possible actions, it is advisable to make a decision and start acting, rather than preparing. Experiment to discard the unnecessary and force yourself to decide as quickly as possible. To reduce doubts, follow the rule "the sooner, the better."
This is one of the effective techniques that help to cope with perfectionism. Sometimes it is important to feel, not to choose logically, sometimes it is speed and trust that are important, not playing the fool. If, of course, you are seriously considering the issue of creating a family.
For example, promise – set a task for yourself that you will look at your future partner with attention, as someone worthy of you, an equal, and not an opponent in the game. It is even appropriate to make a personal plan of action with attention to your partner in order to get to know him better. But sincerely, and not with the help of cunning.
Ways to get closer to balance
Make a two-part table - a table with two columns. In the first, enter your expectations of events, in the second - your real capabilities. What you can give to another, and with a large share of specifics.
Ideally, the combination of expectations from a partner and opportunities should not be more than 2:1. In this sense, try to moderate your "appetites", that is, limit the demands on the other and the situation. Something like this.
First column: I want to be happy, for “he” to value and respect me, understand me - anticipate my desires, help, be a support in everything and be there. And even if I do something wrong - he would tolerate and continue to love me further.
Second column: I am beautiful, smart and I know men. I am irresistible, monogamous and I try to become even better, for this I seriously study the psychology of family relationships.
First: I want a strong family and its development with a loved one, for whom I will spare nothing. Second: I have an apartment in Moscow, a prestigious job, and am medically healthy.
Of course, these are not only examples, but also variants, indicative hints of thinking. In order to appreciate an equal partner, you yourself must match him/her. No less important are sincere feelings, which, they say, "cannot be ordered."
In short, use any methods that will help critical thinking. The result may not be ideal. But it is easier to make adjustments to your personal position and relationships than to endlessly doubt, blame the other, or reject him.
