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Psychologist Andrey Kashkarov told how to establish contact with your mother-in-law
01.12.2023 21:17
There is a saying: "A small boss is scarier than the devil."
There are also various opinions about mothers-in-law, the most poisonous ones (the Old Russian language is full of unique words that accurately reflect the essence), and often the definition of the mother-in-law's actions, even subjective, is based on her own behavior.
Therefore, two women with different role expectations in one family often argue for influence on a man, for attention to themselves, and in general have a hard time getting along. But why – that is the main question, having resolved which one can find a way to “establish contact” with the mother-in-law.
Competition always separates, and joint action brings people together, says psychologist Andrey Kashkarov . With this maxim, you can look for a solution to the situation.
Reasons for cooling relations
There are three aspects to the causes of conflicts. Firstly, the mother-in-law (like you) understands the other woman very well – tasks, motives, weaknesses and strengths of influence. That is, it is not easy for you to “deceive” each other.
Mothers-in-law are typically disliked in much the same way that school groups and teachers dislike the parents of their students who have a pedagogical education.
As police officers, it can be difficult to work with former or other police officers who also know the "system" and its peculiarities. This peculiarity must be taken into account and accepted as a given.
Secondly, the reason lies in motives and life goals. Do not forget that not only you, but also your mother-in-law can want something from your relationship, see (imagine and dream) them specifically and in her own way.
It is appropriate to highlight some nuances from this. As a rule (there are exceptions), your mother-in-law is older than you.
The mother-in-law is more experienced (she already had a husband and experience in influencing men and her mother-in-law), she has her own expectations of you. Of course, you know something about life too. But what has been said should be taken into account so as not to make a mistake.
Thirdly, the reason for any actions matters. In essence, you "divide" a man. His attention to you, time and results of activity - material and immaterial. This is why conflicts exist. In the fact that you compete, divide, want to achieve victory (in an argument).
If a man is smart enough, experienced enough and “raised” in childhood on the positive examples of his parents and older relatives, he balances in this situation and he has enough wisdom not to provoke excessive conflicts himself.
Therefore, it is very important what style of interaction with you and his mother he has chosen and supports. But you have the right and opportunity to act too.
Some practical solutions
So, one of the possible and tested options is to organize (or enter into) a joint venture with your mother-in-law. This can be either a business model or social interaction.
In the first case, we are talking about active participation in the enterprise; for example, you take on (and your mother-in-law delegates to you) a specific area of work with personal responsibility – say, you provide logistics for her transport company.
Approximately the same works in the opposite case - if you are a businesswoman and your mother-in-law is your assistant. Your children and her grandchildren, of course, also bring family members closer together, if the trusting relationship between you is not lost.
A possible solution for interaction and "personal boundaries", as is true, is always somewhere "in the middle" between the desires of the parties. That is, the best way of interaction and "life" with the mother-in-law is the path of compromise.
In this case, it is necessary and desirable to immediately and correctly define personal boundaries.
It is appropriate to do this not so much at the first meeting (“introduction” - it is still too early then), but in a favorable situation, for example, at the table when celebrating some event or on a joint walk with children, at a cultural event.
We need to talk, calmly compare positions. The main "condition of the moment" is that the mother-in-law is in a good mood, and then "contact", a frank conversation with mutual communication of the parties' justified positions, works best.
You shouldn't do this when you're drunk, unless it's very light. Of course, there are no uniform rules, and a lot depends on the situation and your personalities.
To understand your mother-in-law (and you can’t do without it if you not only declare it, but really want peace in the family), you need to think like her.
That is, stand in her place and look at your roles and behavior towards her carefully, under a “microscope”.
Leave your value judgments aside, just look at all this from the outside, as if you had changed roles - you were the mother-in-law and she was the daughter-in-law. And you will understand a lot.
By the way, this method, as an element of critical thinking, is also very helpful in all other matters with other people and social interactions of people in general. It is not very difficult to do - we checked. Therefore, understanding is half the solution.
And you can see a person’s true face only when he no longer needs you.
Non-nominal attention
Relationship-building solutions are most effective when they are desired by all parties.
In order to “solve” effectively and profitably, you must at least “know” your husband’s mother, that is, constantly learn new things about her (observe circumstances), know the history of their family, and be interested in her “interests”.
And not just nominally. You don't have to lie and limit yourself to the question "well, how is your health" or express regret in public in the manner of "wow-wow-wow, yes, the pressure is serious." All this "banality" is revealed in "one-two-three", and you are not the only one who can do this.
Therefore, it is dangerous to underestimate your mother-in-law in order to improve your relationship. Pay attention to what she can do better than anyone else. Sincerely admire her, because everyone loves attention.
With age, people change, the peculiarities of their thinking change: something becomes less important for a person, something, on the contrary, acquires significance in prerogatives.
For conventionally elderly people, these are desires for peace; literally, with age, she wants stability, long life and peace.
At the same time, without losing influence on you and your husband, since she subjectively believes that “I am very experienced, all bruised from the blows of fate, and they, the young, are always making mistakes.” This position is, of course, controversial, it bothers her, but there is almost nothing that can be done. Age is irreversible.
But you can also take something good from this. People with age really like attention to themselves, calling it "honoring". Any holiday, an important date in her life, even a professional holiday, is important to her.
If you are so attentive that you do not miss the opportunity not only (as is customary) to actually congratulate her (without stinging) on her birthday and give her gifts on other “red days of the calendar”, but also remind her, say, of the 50th anniversary of the day she met her husband (provided that they have a happy relationship), she will like that too.
Therefore, here is another important conclusion: positively surprise your mother-in-law, it will pay off a hundredfold.
Everyday issues, especially when there are not enough resources to "provide for everything", are also a frequent cause of conflicts in the "daughter-in-law-mother-in-law" format. Everyone has their own experience and "opinion" - see above - it is impossible to remake any of the adults who have achieved success, don't even try.
In addition, there may still be many unresolved and contentious issues between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, including imperfect questions of inheritance of property by a man.
Therefore, it is, of course, desirable not to live with your mother-in-law under the same roof. Let her come to visit. When it is convenient for you too.
