Psychologist Andrey Kashkarov told how parents influence personal life
Parents influence according to their experience and ideas about what is important. That is, subjectively.
There is not a single person in the world who has not made mistakes, including conventionally pedagogical mistakes – in raising children. This is normal, but we can analyze the features of such influence.
When raising children, parents turn to three significant and influencing circumstances: the experience of their own parents (least of all), their own experience taking into account the existing knowledge about the reactions and characteristics of their child, and moral and ethical values that are relevant directly in their social group, for their authorities.
In the latter case, these may be role expectations of reactions from the community (in which communication takes place), approval from the outside, confirmation and maintenance of one’s own influential status in an authoritative community for them, and to a lesser, but still significant extent, with an eye on the accepted norms of behavior in society and educational institutions where children study.
For there too there is a community of parents, capable of indirectly influencing the actions of specific parents and children through approval or censure.
In this real situation, parents (like their children) are socialized, integrated into the system of mutual influence of representatives of society (people) on each other.
Moreover, different people can and do have different interests and motives for influencing others, and parents who influence their children's personal preferences are essentially living someone else's life. But for what purpose?
Do they want the best? Yes, that's what they declare.
In fact, regardless of age, they still strive to realize their own unrealized preferences, ambitions or dreams in their children and even grandchildren, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
Preferring to ignore the fact that children are not given to us as slaves, but are independent and capable individuals with the right to make mistakes. It cannot be said that this dependence is good.
But the alternative path for the typical person is even more difficult, because dependence on other people surrounds us everywhere, and people in principle rarely manage to completely distance themselves from this influence (only a few succeed in certain periods of time).
Therefore, parents often act in relation to their children “according to a template” accepted as the norm by other parents.
Accordingly, almost every parent wishes health and prosperity to their child. Tries to protect them from mistakes and various factors of influence that are subjectively presented as a threat.
Choose "personal life" for someone else. But often the threat is perceived not for the child, but for one's own status, in the manner of "what will people say about me if my daughter (son) behaves like this."
All these “undercurrents” of motives and thoughts must be taken into account by a person who experiences systematic influence from parents even in adulthood.
Because one of the motivators of parental "involvement" in the life of even an adult "child" is the unwillingness to lose influence on him and the level of comfort that has already been achieved. A purely human desire.
For the same reason, attempts are made to influence the personal lives of children – attempts at “conversations,” “appeals to reason,” aimed at discussing candidates for personal relationships.
Parents try so hard to protect their children. But in general they act more to preserve their reputation.
Sometimes attempts to control and influence accompany adult children throughout their lives, which is the cause and basis of quarrels and long breaks in communication, when “children” make even more mistakes than before the quarrel provoked by their parents.
The personal life of an adult can only be the object of attention and (by agreement) influence when the person himself asks for it. And even then, attention should be given very little.
If we look at all our former partners – friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives – we will be quite surprised: very few of them are worthless or lost to society.
One way or another, everyone finds a partner for themselves, just like the “child” of the parents, for whom they tried to influence the personal life.
Thus, we can state that "failed" or bad people simply do not exist. Even in the most difficult people and relationships there is always something that attracts, if not one, then the other.
Therefore, a more reasonable parental decision would be to place emphasis on taking care of your own personal life with the right to the same personal life – mistakes and achievements – of your children.
How to act - everyone decides for themselves. It is obvious that different and not always impeccable parental experience is not a panacea for the misfortunes and mistakes of children.
It is advisable for adult parents and children to live separately: this is an axiom confirmed over the centuries.
