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Should a woman forgive men: psychologist Stanislav Sambursky explains
25.07.2023 19:23
Is it stupid or smart to forgive an ex? Women who don't even dare to think about it are a minority. The majority are those who, for a variety of reasons, get involved in past relationships again.
Psychologist Stanislav Sambursky will tell readers of the online publication Belnovosti why this should not be done.
The man will not change
Men and women have different understandings of relationships after a breakup. The woman believes that now her beloved has realized everything, has changed: he will stop screwing up and will be eternally grateful to her for the mercy shown. She wants to rise above him and make him comfortable in every sense. But this is impossible.
At the same time, the man evaluates the situation completely differently. He has been forgiven, which means they love him as he is. And if so, then why change anything and especially strain yourself. While the woman is waiting for a miracle, the man relaxes even more than before and regularly commits offenses. He is living in clover and knows that his beloved will forgive him.
You will have to forgive constantly
The previous reason is already a good reason to cross a person out of your life forever. But it's not that simple. This situation is like a trap. Once you get caught, you won't get out.
From the outside it seems: you made a mistake, you betrayed him, he's getting on your nerves, leave and that's it. But in practice, things are different. Time after time, a woman will suffer, but she will forgive. Even betrayal rarely becomes a reason for a breakup.
Why does this happen? The thing is that it took a lot of effort to renew the relationship. It is unpleasant for her to realize that everything was in vain, that precious time was wasted. Driven into a corner, she is forced to go to the end.
There are many such stories. They are similar to each other: useless sacrifice in different circumstances. Some suffer less, some more. At the same time, when the close circle tries to help, in response they hear something like: "You wouldn't understand!", "He is the love of my life!" etc.
No one will appreciate the "feat"
A person is so designed that every action should bring a result. In this case, the woman is waiting for corrections. At the same time, she needs a laudatory ode to a lesser extent not from him, but from her environment. People should “correctly” evaluate her act of forgiveness, appreciate the depth of her soul, admire her patience, etc. She dreams of looking like a desperate heroine in the eyes of others, who saves a drowning man…
So it turns out that the woman, with her own hands, for selfish reasons, turns her life into a catastrophe with irreversible consequences. The man did not change, but became impudent. She never received words of gratitude. Instead of worship, she herself has to forgive. Friends and relatives do not share her point of view at all. And in general, they did not care about her "feats".
Of course, there are always exceptions. Indeed, there are couples who are strong and happy after forgiving. But most "second chances" turn out negatively. It is worth thinking very, very carefully before deciding on this. Do not give in to rosy dreams: "This is how it is for others, but everything will be fine for me."
A person changes only by his own will. No one will do it under duress. The fewer negative subjects in life, the more chances to meet a worthy candidate.
