What is the psychological meaning of forgiveness: Stanislav Sambursky explains
Misdemeanors are part of any relationship, followed by separation or forgiveness. The second option is preferable, but sometimes men notice that a woman's "I forgave you" has consequences. Let's figure out together with psychologist Stanislav Sambursky why it's not that simple.
Let's start with the fact that men and women react differently to betrayal, physical violence, inaction, etc. Basically, the stronger sex breaks off all relations with his beloved: leaves, keeps silent and erases her from his life. Of course, it also happens that, having learned about betrayal, the spouse does not take the information seriously and does not react in any way. But this is a different case.
Women rarely have a radical breakup. Instead, they begin to think and have a wave of memories of happily lived moments. In a fit of indecision, thoughts about the readiness to forgive and start everything from scratch appear. Happiness from the past “anchors” and persuades to forgive.
The man really hears: "I have forgiven you." Everyone is happy. Long live the old life! But not so. In addition to happy moments, on the other side of the scale, opposite emotions are seething. They are the ones that make you remember the betrayal.
The question rings in her head: "Why did he do this?" Trust is not restored. Each memory destroys it more and more. Yes, she wants to forgive and really forget the bad, but because of the fear of experiencing everything again, she cannot do this. Self-digging and self-blame are often added, after which there is distancing from the partner with an increased construction of a protective barrier.
For example, a wife finds out that for 10 years her husband hid half of his income from her. All these years she deprived herself of food, clothes, new household appliances, just so that her husband and children were fed, clothed and shod. Pure betrayal, and how can she live with it now?
The husband apologizes, promises to change and not do it again. Faith in the best makes him declare forgiveness. But how can you forget a betrayal that lasted 10 years! And trust? Will it be born from a plaintive "Forgive me?" Every memory of her infringement and his high life hurts.
He deceived once, he will deceive twice. Distrust pushes a woman to have a secret account herself, to rewrite property, etc. Now there is no certainty about the future: everything depends on her. To rely on the one who betrayed is stupid and dangerous.
So what does a woman mean when she says: "I forgive you!" It can be deciphered as follows: "For the sake of the moments we lived through and the joyful emotions we had, I am ready to save the relationship. You are no longer a point of support, but a potential threat, and I perceive you exclusively as such."
There is little pleasant in this. A man inspired by forgiveness thinks that everything has been fixed and they will live as before. But this is not so. Over time, he will feel that she is not so caring and tender, open and trusting.
There are three ways:
- earn real forgiveness through appropriate behavior and being able to wait;
- to break up;
- not to lead to such a situation.
