Psychologist Valery Gut told how to cope with jealousy
Jealousy has been living among people for many hundreds of centuries.
Psychologist Valery Gut, PhD in Psychology, developer of the theory of adaptive intelligence, told how to cope with jealousy.
It is compared to greed, envy and even love. A person experiences strong negative emotional states due to the inability to possess something or someone to the extent that one would like.
But he is also able to control such feelings if he admits that they are within him.
We don’t always understand that we are overcome by jealousy, and therefore it seems that we can’t do anything about it.
Sigmund Freud, Karen Horney, Carl Jung and other psychologists believe that people often hide jealousy from themselves and from others.
There is not enough social courage to understand and admit that jealousy lies behind self-doubt, anxiety, and aggression.
Back in the 14th century, St. Augustine (Augustine the Blessed) wrote: “He who is not jealous is not in love.”
But Margaret Mead, an American anthropologist, believed that jealousy does not indicate the degree of love, but simply reveals the degree of unreliability of the lover.
Otto Fenichel, an Austrian psychiatrist, called jealous people in need of being loved.
Of course, it is necessary to clearly distinguish between justified and pathological jealousy. When there is a real reason to make claims to a partner, this is a normal process.
It allows you to keep your finger on the pulse and control the relationship within the couple. In romantic relationships, jealousy even adds positive emotions, because the other partner understands that they are not indifferent.
But when a person invents reasons for jealousy, suggests possible scenarios for the development of events, then we are talking about something else.
At the root of such jealousy is fear, which is combined with feelings of anxiety, self-abasement, anger. A person is afraid of losing love, power, control, stability, security, support, respect.
He shields his partner from communication with others because, for example, he does not want to be compared with others.
This fear may have developed in childhood, when the child was compared to others or loved more than other brothers or sisters.
At the beginning of their relationship, Angelina Jolie forbade Brad Pitt from having any contact with his ex-girlfriend. And after the wedding, she wrote in the marriage contract that in the event of cheating, Brad would lose custody of the children.
This desire for power over another person, the desire to subordinate him to one’s will is not dictated by love.
The true causes of jealousy may be related to psychological trauma from childhood or adolescence, low self-esteem, and pathological attachment.
But whatever they are, a person can cope with it if he wants to.
- You should start by acknowledging this feeling. Even mild jealousy can cause destructive actions. Therefore, it is worth reflecting and honestly analyzing your feelings.
- Think about how much reason there is for jealousy. If there are objective reasons, then it is worth looking at the facts, assessing the seriousness of the situation. Perhaps there is no reason.
- Remember all the triggers that provoked feelings of jealousy, write them down and note your reaction to them.
- Identify the true need that is hidden beneath all the emotions on the list. For example, there is a need for love, attention, respect, safety, closeness, recognition of one's own value, or a sense of spiritual comfort.
If a person is unsatisfied with one or another need in life, then every time he will feel deceived, unnecessary, or abandoned. - Find a solution to the identified need. To do this, you need to look into the past to close the unlived experience or situation in it, to realize that it can no longer have a significant impact, because, for example, it has lost its relevance.
Difficult events of the past remain in our consciousness and affect our emotional state. Therefore, it is important to get rid of their influence.
“A jealous man does not really doubt his wife, but himself” (Honoré de Balzac).
The formation of personality begins in childhood, but its development and improvement is a path that completely depends on a person’s desire to change their life for the better.
Take your relationship with your partner to a new level, be confident in yourself so much that jealousy no longer torments you and does not interfere with building healthy relationships.
