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Psychologist Lyudmila Vildanova explained why a second marriage is stronger than the first
22.04.2023 20:04
It's a common mistake to assume that things will be different in a new relationship.
Lyudmila Vildanova, psychotherapist, Gestalt practitioner, master of psychology, explained why a second marriage is stronger than the first.
And it seems as if the whole matter is solely in the wrong choice of person, but with a new partner everything will be different.
Yes. In a new relationship, everything can be different. But, provided that there will be a new YOU there. Most often, when entering into a relationship or concluding a first marriage - we still have no experience, no understanding, no psychological maturity.
When you're young, your idea of love comes mostly from literature classes and music videos that portray love as eternal suffering wrapped in a pretty, dramatic package.
And it turns out that if there is no other alternative, then this is the one that is learned: love is about arguing passionately, leaving, so that they will definitely catch up with you. Moreover, the brighter the emotions in the relationship, the more real the love is. And this is definitely not about quiet joy and a calm routine.
But second marriages are different. Once you've been burned the first time, you act more carefully the second time.
We are not so carried away by the power of feelings, the heat of passions, bright and spectacular gestures. More often than not, having already learned from bitter experience, we come to second marriages more consciously, we no longer lose sight of ourselves - we know our boundaries, values and deep needs.
And before entering into a relationship, we begin to think:
- Why should I be in them, in marriage?
- What is this love doing to me?
- What kind of person am I becoming in this relationship?
- What is happening to my dreams, desires, goals?
- What tasks and challenges do I face - and how do I deal with them?
All this is possible thanks to cultivating an adult position within oneself.
Growing up in a couple is not so easy. Growing above yourself and improving yourself alone is much easier than in pairs. No one interferes, no one interferes with advice, no one knocks you off course.
Therefore, it would be good to play "personal growth" before marriage. To understand your system of values, what I "want", "don't want", "will" and "won't", and then move to a new level and build a family, i.e. develop your common business, and not a separate private project.
We enter into relationships and other love already on an equal footing with our partner. We bring into it our vision of life and relationships in particular. Clearly understanding that in WE there is ME. Including such an option as responsibility, everyday life and boring adult conversations.
We grow up, face difficulties and only then begin to understand what love is for us. Removing from it the layer of beautiful pictures, illusions and fantasies.
Going through experience, through complex feelings of resentment and disappointment, we begin to understand what we like in relationships and what we don’t, and we stop turning a blind eye to it, we begin to discover ourselves in relationships. We discover our differences from others and a certain difference.
Most often in a second marriage, you already know yourself better, you know what you can offer your partner. You no longer promise the impossible, you do not comfort him with vain hopes.
When you know yourself, you understand what you are ready to give in a relationship, where you are ready to move, where you are ready to compromise, and what you are definitely not ready to give up - because it is important to you.
But that comes later...When you've had your share of bumps, made a lot of mistakes, tried your first marriage, and finally understood a lot about YOURSELF.
"Perfect" relationships don't exist. They only exist in our heads.
The ideal is always something static, motionless. And relationships are about development, which presupposes imbalance, crises, fatigue, life.
And in relationships there will always be moments when we doubt, make mistakes and look for answers. And it is in moments of imperfection that we understand a lot about the quality of our relationships.
Relationships grow through reality. That's why there are no instructions or guarantees in love. Listen to yourself. The more sincere you are with yourself, the clearer it will be for you in relationships.
Therefore, I sincerely recommend agreeing on things that are important to you at the beginning of the relationship - on the shore. Treat each other's traumas left by past relationships and childhood with reverence and respect.
Don't punish each other with silence, but sit down and figure out: where it hurts, what hurts and how to make it easier. By agreeing - it's as if we sign a contract about what you won't allow yourself to do in your relationship with each other.
Relationships in a second marriage are about adulthood. Family begins with the letter - WE.
