A psychologist told how to survive a crisis in marriage
What needs to be done to make the family happy? Learn to live through relationship crises that happen in every couple. Relationship crises occur when there are changes.
And there are always changes: personal, family, social, economic, political. All of this can affect the relationship in a couple.
Crises in marriage arise not from the years spent together, but from events that occur inside and outside the family, says psychologist Olga Batueva .
For example, during the pandemic in 2020, divorces decreased by 35%. And after it, in 2021, they increased by 44%. If in normal mode a man and a woman spent 2-3 hours a day together (sleep is not counted), then during the pandemic they found themselves with each other 24/7.
Many family boats did not survive this test and crashed on the waves of being with each other every minute. All the conflicts that had been hidden and sluggish before became more acute.
The history of each marriage is individual. For some, the crisis begins on the third day after the wedding, and for others, after three to five years.
But there are periods in which there will always be crises of varying depth.
- Shared life. Two people who used to live separately have to share space with each other. Each has their own idea of how life should be arranged. It does not always coincide. This may be the first moment of "removing rose-colored glasses" and the first complaints: "you don't cook well", "and you leave tea cups all over the apartment".
- The birth of a child. A long-awaited third appears in the physical and psychological space of two. The couple acquires new roles: mom and dad. The woman-man relationship is pushed into the background. The family system is being rebuilt. It will no longer be like before, and how it will be new is not yet very clear.
- A woman returns to work after maternity leave. Again, a change in the family system. Men and women work equally. Household and parental responsibilities must be divided anew.
- The middle of life is the time of the midlife crisis. The intrapersonal crisis of a man and a woman, as a rule, coincides with the teenage crisis of children. This period is usually one of the most difficult in the family. Conflict sits on conflict and drives conflict.
- The departure of adult children from the parental family is the empty nest syndrome. Previously, a man and a woman were connected by raising and providing for children. After their departure, a couple may find an emptiness in their relationship between a man and a woman.
Isolated crises that not everyone experiences:
- Financial crisis. Can happen at any time during your life.
- Childlessness.
- Loss of health.
How to survive and cope with family crises
Rule 1. Learn to talk to each other: hear the needs of the other and talk about yours.
Rule 2. Learn to negotiate with each other and constantly look for common ground. Every crisis will bring new experiences and new points.
Rule 3. Learn to accept the other as the other. Men and women not only have different physiology, but also different psyche. Stop remaking your partner to fit your "male" or "female" ideas. You won't guess anyway. It's better to be interested in the living person next to you.
Rule 4. Study yourself, preferably in a psychologist's office. If you don't understand yourself, you're unlikely to understand anyone else.
Rule 5. If you can't cope with family relationships on your own, go to a psychologist. First, for an individual consultation. The psychologist will help you figure out whether you need family or individual work.
Rule 6. When things get really tough and you're thinking about divorce, stop, breathe, take a break and... remember how you fell in love with the person you're living with now. Maybe, behind the quarrels and grievances, you've stopped noticing something valuable.
From observations of practical work as a psychologist. The main conflicts in families occur due to living conditions, raising children, financial issues, relationships with the partner's relatives and building a career.
Remember, crisis is danger and opportunity. May you have more opportunities and joy from creating close relationships with your loved one!
