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Why a man wants to be alone: a psychologist on male needs
02.01.2023 09:45
Updated: 13.04.2023 05:32
Women often come to psychologists for therapy with a request regarding difficulties in relationships with men. The nuances of this problem are always different, but there are those that are typical for most clients.
Our blogger, clinical psychologist Stanislav Sambursky, analyzed the periodic desire of a man to distance himself from a woman.
Usually in such cases the fair sex gets scared and panics. Many questions are spinning in their heads: why is he doing this? How should I behave? What if he is hinting that he wants to leave for good? Maybe he doesn’t love me?
The specifics of male needs
The male psyche is different from the female one, and it is this that dictates such behavior to a man, giving rise to a temporary need to “go to his den,” to be alone.
Throughout his life, a man is guided by two needs: to know that someone needs him and to be free at the same time. The paradox is that in order to satisfy the first need, he needs to feel free, that is, to distance himself from his beloved woman or family.
It doesn't matter whether he is in a passionate relationship or an exemplary family man - this need periodically manifests itself and craves satisfaction. A big plus for the relationship is the adequacy of the woman, her acceptance of this fact and, figuratively speaking, a blessing for the opportunity to distance herself.
Spiritual rebirth in the moment of distancing
As a rule, at the moment of separation, men experience a new sense of their spiritual and physical state. They regain confidence and a sense of satisfaction with life.
After the intensification of feelings and "saturation" with this state, the man bestows love and tenderness on the woman with renewed vigor. He happily joins in everyday life, romance, fatherhood and forgets about the little things that weighed on him shortly before.
It is important to note that the desire to move away arises gradually, but to return home – in an instant.
A woman's view of the situation
It is very difficult for a woman to understand – why should he distance himself in order to realize how much he loves her? Is it really impossible to do this while being next to each other? Such questions from the fair sex are logical. Girls have a genetic desire to be in constant contact with the one they love. Therefore, the need for a loved one to distance himself for a short time causes fear, pain, guilt and a stream of destructive thoughts. As a result, the process of returning becomes joyful only for the man. Of course, the woman is also happy, but she needs time for the negative emotions to fade.
Clinical psychologist Stanislav Sambursky spoke about the specifics of experiencing stress for both sexes:
- A man does this “horizontally”, that is, he must live it alone and independently.
- In women, this happens "vertically". Everyone must save her together, as if from a well - she cannot cope alone.
Therefore, when a woman does not give a man independence and a drop of freedom, she risks losing him forever.
Key mistakes
In situations where a woman feels a man's detachment, she often begins to press on him with even greater force, almost stalking him, thinking that she can hold on to him, not realizing that she is making things even worse.
There are three types of "harassment":
- Physical – following a man around, not allowing him to even have five minutes alone in the room.
- Emotional – a state of constant concern for a man: asking about his mood, paying him increased attention and being ideal for him.
- Moral - to evoke a feeling of guilt, to manipulate with phrases like: "Why are you doing this to me? Do I deserve this?"
A woman feels love in close proximity, while a man feels it more strongly at a distance.
