Why You Shouldn't Say "Well Done" to Your Child: A Mistake 80% of Parents Make
The word "well done" seems harmless and even approving, but many psychologists and teachers warn: its frequent use can harm a child's development. Here are the main reasons why it is worth reconsidering the habit of praising children with this word.
The word "good boy" is often pronounced automatically, without specifics. The child does not understand what he was praised for, and cannot repeat the success. Psychologist Alfie Kohn in his book "Punishment by Reward" claims that such praise does not motivate, but only creates a dependence on external approval.
When a child hears "good job," he or she begins to act for the praise, rather than out of interest or pleasure. Research shows that this reduces intrinsic motivation and curiosity. The child stops learning for themselves, expecting constant approval.
The word "well done" makes the child dependent on other people's opinions. He begins to be afraid of making a mistake, so as not to lose the status of "well done". This can lead to a fear of failure and avoidance of difficult tasks.
Praise such as "well done" often focuses on the result rather than the process. The child does not learn to value his efforts, which is important for developing persistence and self-confidence.
What to say instead of "well done"
Psychologists recommend using descriptive praise, which helps the child understand what exactly he did well. For example:
- "You put the puzzle together yourself! It wasn't easy, but you did it."
- "I like how neatly you colored the picture."
- "You helped your sister - this is a very kind deed."
The word "well done" is not a ban, but it should be used consciously. It is better to praise the child for specific actions, supporting his independence and internal motivation. As psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya says: "It is important for the child to feel that he is appreciated not for the result, but for his efforts and diligence."
