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Psychologist Andrey Kashkarov told how to teach a child to sleep separately
03.12.2023 21:08
If you have a flower, you feel responsible and must understand that it needs to be watered. This is in addition to the feeling of love, which is above everything in the world.
The parent determines and educates, therefore the conditions in which one can expect the development of personality depend on him, and not on the child aged 3-7 years.
They may say that it is a personal matter, but in the end you get something that will come back to haunt you later.
In practice, there are many cases where single young ladies “live” with children in the same bed format, even if the child is 8 or 12 years old; this especially applies to boys.
Consistent educational practice helps, no matter how difficult it may be to get used to it.
The reasons, of course, are the lack of paternal influence, or he is not authoritative, says psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
Parental suspiciousness
The mother's suspiciousness also implies her anxiety, a sense of danger, trouble, a flawed imagination based on subjective reasons, an imagination with the prospect of overprotection.
The desire to become an ideal mother presupposes unconditional control, and strict control at that. A person desires self-realization, including in children.
Hence, overprotection compensates for professional, career or personal failures. Subjectively, it seems that if a child does not sleep separately at a young age, then he suffers, which is unbearable for a mother who is in love with him.
Despots have always been illusionists.
The mother imagines that, on the one hand, she is doing the child a favor, on the other hand, she assumes that otherwise "not sleeping together" will manifest itself in the suffering of the child himself. And thus the situation becomes dependent and lays the foundation for future problems. Especially for a boy sleeping with his mother until the age of 10-12.
Guilt
The mother, based on the steps taken earlier, subconsciously understands that it is impossible to live otherwise. And indeed, the child “may be offended,” and, due to habit, he still comes to sleep with his mother from another room or “suffers.”
But the situation really resembles "weaning". Either you take away, or you act "so as not to offend". It is difficult for such a woman to understand that the feeling of guilt and its derivative - pampering - are not the best guide in upbringing.
However, we do not judge anyone and have no right to do so.
Overprotection is the same derivative of guilt and subsequent compensation as dissatisfaction and disappointment in family life. If you cannot build it on the principles of interaction with a man, not knowing them, then you want to realize your dreams in children.
That is why sometimes it seems to the mother that the child is still “two years old” - it is impossible to offend him, and growing up is understood in her own way.
From here it is also clear that attention as a manifestation of such hypertrophied "love" for the child is reflected as a lack of one's own love and recognition of it with the man. "My boy will be better," she thinks.
But... he won't be better... He will be as he is. Often, a baby becomes an outlet for the family's unrealized ideas and practices.
Consequences of overprotection
Dominant overprotection leads to underestimation of the child's abilities, his independence for the time being. Sleeping in the same bed is, in other words, indulging the whims of a baby who is already accustomed to sleeping with his mother.
This is how we want to protect our child idol from difficulties and choices.
Thus, at a young age, a child develops an inflated self-esteem, which manifests itself in different ways, for example, by an unwillingness to attend kindergarten, because the child’s mind is formed with the attitude that the mother “does everything,” and in the kindergarten “they demand too much,” since the child is not alone there.
This is a problem of socialization of the child, consciously laid by the mother. The result will appear in 8-10 years, but it will be.
The vulnerable pride of the child, the need for attention, recognition of others, the demonstrative behavior of the mother, who often seeks support from others and social networks, serves her to justify her social status. Like, I "do everything for the children."
That is, the problem is not even in instilling independence in the boy, but in the egoistic realization of his own social status, which, by definition, depends on the opinions of authoritative people around him. The result of the mother's own insecurity.
There will always be someone to sympathize with in this situation.
Showing off children’s “successes” – medals, certificates and cups – to others on social networks is a necessary desire for a mother to justify her own behavior.
On the other hand, the parent tries to maintain the child's dependence on him. This warms the pride. But it prevents the timely, age-appropriate, mental and social development of children.
"There is no need to be afraid to get your feet wet when the flood threatens."
The consequence of overprotective upbringing has a number of negative consequences for the upbringing of children. It would seem that here the mother takes into account the child's desire as a result of love and, if desired, to help as much as possible, which is fully reflected in the definition of overprotectiveness of children.
Overprotection as a method of education has a number of very negative consequences for the child. And many problems that people face in adulthood are precisely the consequence of short-sighted behavior of the parent.
There are examples in our practice, when grown-up children remain dependent on their mother, do not know how to independently solve life's problems, cope with everyday difficulties. When difficult, dangerous situations cause a feeling of confusion, panic.
The child cannot act, expects help from an adult. This is the reason for difficulties in school adaptation, and inadequate self-esteem and lack of initiative prevent the establishment of friendly relations.
From this it is clear that, despite the right of parents to self-determination, this path of education is extremely questionable.
To wean a child off sleeping with his mother, you need a truly iron will, especially difficult to implement in the conditions of "habit". To do this, you need to solve personal problems (if you want to solve them, and not ask questions about "why men perceive me like this").
Building personal boundaries requires wisdom – it is necessary to look ahead and understand what will happen next, in 3-5 or more years. Not everyone is given this and wants it.
Will, in spite of everything
It is necessary to show will and educate the child to interact with others independently and solve communication problems. The child, like yourself, must be given the right to make mistakes and not to be guided by stupidity and dependence on external assessments. At the same time, love, observation, and support of the child must be preserved.
In this case, radical methods (as in everything) are the most effective.
By weaning at the age of one year (no single recipe for time has been found, it depends on many features), the mother also takes risks and suffers. But this is a necessary step.
When a mother in this situation, as well as with the "sleeping in the same bed" obstacle, consistently puts the child to sleep in a separate bed and promotes this for at least several weeks, then she forms a strong habit of independence in the child, which is beneficial to everyone.
Yes, it requires willpower and an understanding of child development. Yes, it is not easy for some parents.
Moreover, a man rarely supports such a hypotrophy of maternal love, and not because he loves less, but because he understands the need for independence for children, especially boys.
This is necessary for the sake of the children themselves.
