Psychologist Andrey Kashkarov told what problems worry teenagers
Teenagers are not some special people on the planet; they are concerned with quite ordinary problems.
All this is also understandable from the side of those who think about teenagers not nominally, and not only about themselves and their own desires in relation to the teenager. When and how does this happen?
In general, in order to sincerely, and not nominally, understand another person, sometimes some disturbing situation in “one’s own” world and soul is enough; then this potential for “understanding another” is revealed when we feel bad, and not when, in the fireworks of pride and influence, the channel of “understanding” the neighbor is closed.
Or we tend to "understand" another when we want something from him. These are the conditions or prerequisites.
In a situation of understanding teenage problems or current issues, time, place, and method are important, believes psychologist Andrei Kashkarov .
That is, as in the evidentiary triad of criminal law, the best understanding occurs in conditions of timeliness of attempts, their appropriateness and taking into account a sincere desire to understand.
It's not difficult in words. But how can this be done in reality, since all the following recommendations are interconnected?
First, you need to abstract yourself from your own status in every possible way. For your son and daughter, you are not a professor, not a president, not a company director, and not even a janitor.
For understanding the other, status is secondary.
Having stopped “living in the clouds” of your own importance and significance, at least for a while, you will remember that no matter how much money you have, you are no better or worse than others, and you cannot take material assets with you into oblivion.
Your influence on a teenager is limited. It has always been limited, but due to age and the process of development, a small child could not offer moral resistance; now the forces, including "protest activity", have tripled.
Hence the important thing: no matter what you say or do, a teenager can have – and does have – his own opinion. Remember yourself in your youth – this will help.
With this approach, you can still coexist and collaborate in a family format.
Teenagers are concerned with the world of values that are important to them. In adolescence, the main sphere of influence is new communication.
Since the teenager reads you in the family as an “open book” and does not perceive you as a judge for himself, he is interested in new communication, including that connected with a clearly conscious “I”, the power to achieve and the attention of the opposite sex.
A teenager builds his own life differently than he saw yours. Yes, he builds it with mistakes, but they are different at any age.
From here we can identify the main problems that concern teenagers.
Attention and the associated influence of the opposite sex: this issue is determined by nature - “I live”, “I want it this way”, “I deserve better”.
To achieve these reasonable desires, the teenager is concerned about appearance - at this stage even more than the inner world. In his understanding, it is necessary to correspond to a fashionable style.
If in the fall of 2023, reputable fashion designers position white tights and a gray cardigan as the standard of everyday fashion, do not doubt that your teenage girl will not ignore this information, at least because this is the trend of the season.
And in the trend "must be", such is the condition of competitive ability in teenage society. In the manner of the postman Pechkin, who wanted to be aware of all the "news" and even gossip.
So, the teenager understands that with the right styling and following trends, his influence in the role group increases, his authority grows, and the possibilities of choosing communication (persons, places, topics and essence) increase many times over.
This is partly why teenagers sometimes happen to be very similar in appearance - in the manner of choosing their wardrobe - to each other. But... not all of them.
The second is conditional freedom and independence. Both concepts can be covered in 10 volumes of text. The time has come for an independent life and “I know how”.
In short, the issue of freedom in a teenager’s vision is a nuclear mixture of the right to experience, and the desire for impunity, and the already conscious necessity (after all, he’s not 3 years old…).
If you start to “press down on them” and educate them, especially with lectures and a mentoring tone, it will be more expensive for you; don’t forget that your former authority is already deeply conditional.
That's why pay attention to the first paragraphs. Of course, we are not talking about permissiveness now, but about understanding what worries a teenager.
The third aspect is directly related to the desire to stand out from "society" (despite trends), which is called shocking the public. Some parents incorrectly position this as "revenge" or "doing it out of spite."
In fact, the element of protest activity is directly connected with the parental desire to coerce the teenager and nominally maintain their influence over him.
Less coercion - less protest. Moreover, everything said is true in many areas of public life - both family and political.
Therefore, a teenager is looking for his own style of self-expression, and not just career guidance (which parents are maniacally concerned about at this age). To understand this desire, again, remember yourself as a young person more often, and even better, be in the trend of modern youth trends.
Don't be lazy and get to know your son or daughter's friends and girlfriends.
In personal communication, it is advisable to show interest and find out the features of youth culture in a specific teenage group, its characteristics. At first, you will be very surprised by its diversity.
Basically, it's a culture within a culture. But it will be good for you adults, and some of you will really like it.
You will learn what is hidden behind the concepts of “lol”, “look” and other slang, and thus you will also learn to better understand your teenager and his friends.
And if you succeed, you will become popular among teenagers – not for the sake of popularity itself, but for the sake of a very important factor in maintaining your influence on the teenager – his trust.
For this, again – it’s not like hammering ship nails – you are quite capable of paying attention to your teenager.
Find out the specifics of the teenage world - trends, culture, preferences - authoritative figures, favorite speakers, actors and pranksters, themes of "videos" and almost an anachronism of the era - the question of what books your teenager reads.
Of course, having received thesis knowledge in the format of another frankness, independently search for information, including in open sources, about the corresponding youth cultures and preferences, trends.
Become a teenager's friend, not just a nominal one, but a girlfriend before any situation breaks out. Because understanding brings people together. Understanding is one of the most essential conditions for a person to love another person.
