How to tell a child about a divorce: advice from a psychologist
Starting a conversation with children about their parents' divorce is very difficult and complicated.
Evgeniya Artemyeva , a practicing psychologist-consultant, told how to tell a child about a divorce.
After all, it is also necessary to discuss the problems that arise in this regard. The child will always remember how he learned about the divorce.
No one and nothing can smooth over this moment, but it is necessary to plan and prepare for the conversation to avoid subsequent trauma.
The task of mom and dad is to talk about divorce calmly and without emotions, listen and answer all the questions that arise, show that you still love him. The child should understand that divorce is the most environmentally friendly option for solving problems in your family, although sad.
Before talking to your children, you and your partner need to find common ground on some issues. How the amount of communication your child has with each of you will change, what changes will happen for the children in general. When something can't be thought out in advance, tell your children that you'll tell them about the rest later.
If there is no obvious struggle in the relationship with the partner, then it is better to talk to the children together. If this is not possible, then plan separate meetings, try to discuss what to tell the children so as not to contradict each other.
If this is not possible, use your common sense, while reminding children that their other parent loves them just as much.
It is important to convey the information that the parents do not get along, their union did not work out, they want to live separately from each other, but they still love the children. That the children will not live with one of the parents, and now they have two houses. That there is no one to blame for the divorce.
Even if you think otherwise and your partner initiated it, and you wanted to save the marriage. Admit that you are sorry. But not about the breakup, but about the pain that everyone has to feel. Tell your children that you are also hurt and that you understand their pain. This way, you will show that marriage is valuable and important, but sometimes it happens that adults cannot agree.
Say that you both tried to save the marriage, but you couldn't. Try to act naturally, showing the children that you made the right decision.
Divorce is not something positive, so there is no need to joke or be sarcastic, as this can lay the foundation for children not taking marriage seriously in the future.
10 useful tips
1. Don't tell your children that a serious conversation is planned, as this will increase anxiety and lead to fear. The best way to say it is, "Daddy and I need to discuss something with you."
2. Parental divorce is a big stress for children. The burden of this information can last from several hours to several days. Try to tell all children about the divorce at the same time and do not divide this conversation into several stages.
3. Children should learn about the divorce from their parents. So you can lose your child's trust if he learns about it from relatives or friends.
4. It is better to talk about divorce at home so that the child feels comfortable, can express his emotions and ask questions.
5. Comfort your child, show closeness through hugs or simply put your hand on the shoulder so that the child feels your support.
6. Don't start this conversation on vacation or a holiday. The impression of the event will be spoiled, the child may develop a trigger for this event, and in the future he will hate this day.
7. Talk when you and your child have time. For him to listen to you and hear you, he must be full and calm. Otherwise, he simply will not understand you.
8. Don’t talk about this before school, classes, or early in the morning, as the child needs to “digest” the information.
9. Let no one be at home except you and the children. After this conversation, the child will probably want to be alone.
10. Don't start a conversation with your children about the breakup of the family unless you know for sure that it will happen. In this case, it's good to say that you will "live separately" for some time, but don't say the word "divorce".
