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How to Tell a Child About Divorce
02.02.2023 14:07
Updated: 13.04.2023 19:50
Every family comes to the decision to divorce for its own reasons.
Elena Katsyuba, psychologist, psychosomatologist, told how to correctly tell children about divorce.
When a couple finally understands that separation is inevitable, the question arises of how to tell the child about it.
If you are breaking up peacefully and remain on good terms, then the best way is to talk to your children together.
If it is a difficult breakup and the husband and wife cannot stand each other's presence, then let each talk to the children separately. But it is imperative that both parents talk to the children.
What does the child feel?
When accepting the fact of the upcoming separation of parents, children feel two main emotions. The first is - I no longer have a family, a home, and I can’t imagine how I will live on, I don’t see tomorrow.
The second is that it was all my fault, I wasn't good enough, I didn't do my homework without being reminded, I didn't help my parents around the house hard enough. If I had listened to them, none of this would have happened.
How to build a conversation
The main thing parents need to remember is never lie to a child. If you understand that you are breaking up forever, and dad (or mom) is leaving for another city or country, do not promise that you will meet.
If one of the parents leaves for another family where he already has other children, explain it that way, don’t make up stories.
In no case should you blame each other for what happened in front of the child, and if the conversation takes place separately, present the other party in a bad light.
Before going into a conversation, it is better to agree among yourselves who, what and how will say in order to present the information correctly. The more sincerely and calmly you speak, the easier it will be for your child to accept the divorce.
The conversation itself can be structured something like this
Yes, we decided to separate. But absolutely nothing will change in our relationship. Both mom and dad continue to love you just as much as before. Yes, dad (or mom) will live separately now, but you can call and talk at any time, come visit.
We will still do some of the things we are used to together, like fishing on weekends or walking in the park.
What happened is the responsibility of the parents only. It happens in life, sometimes close people break up. It is not your fault. It was a decision we made because of the problems between us, not with you. Yes, we will each go our own way, but for you we will still remain your loving mom and dad.
Tell us about the future
The unknown is frightening and knocks the ground out from under your feet. So that your child doesn’t have to worry about what will happen to him next, tell him in detail what will change in his life and what will remain the same.
For example, you will stay with your mother, continue to live in this apartment, in your room, go to the same school. Your father will take you to the section, and you will do your homework with him in the evenings on Skype. You will spend your weekends entirely with him.
If the child is already old enough and the situation allows, he can independently choose with whom he will live most of the time, and who he will feel more comfortable visiting. Explain that any of his decisions will be approved.
