According to a study in the Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 65% of people who forgave infidelity suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, even if the marriage survived.
Psychotherapist Shirley Glass , author of NOT "Just Friends," warns: "Forgiveness often becomes the beginning of a hellish spiral where you lose your self-respect for the illusion of love."
Why Forgiving Is Dangerous
1. The "hostage" syndrome. You begin to believe that you must "earn" loyalty.
Marina's story from the Toxic Relationships podcast: "After the betrayal, I lost 15 kg and signed up for striptease classes. He came back... only to leave a year later for my friend."
Psychologist Robin Norwood calls this the "rescuer syndrome": the victim takes responsibility for the betrayal of a partner.
2. Normalization of pain. The brain adapts to suffering.
Dr. Amir Levine writes in his book Attachment: “People who have been betrayed often seek out partners with the same behavior pattern. It’s like an allergy that becomes chronic.”
3. Irreversible damage to trust. Even after years.
A University of Tennessee study found that 89% of couples who experience infidelity never fully rebuild trust.
“He cheated on me 10 years ago, but I still shudder when he laughs on the phone,” Olga shares in her blog Life After Lies.
When forgiveness is absolutely forbidden
1. Repeated betrayals. According to the Institute of Family Therapy, 78% of cheaters repeat the betrayal if they are “forgiven” without consequences.
2. Gaslighting. “It’s your own fault that I left you for another woman,” is a phrase that makes you run, advises psychologist Robin Stern .
3. Refusal of therapy. If the partner thinks that “it will go away on its own,” this is the road to hell.
There are exceptions.
Writer Elizabeth Gilbert , who survived her husband's infidelity, writes: "We went through 300 hours of therapy. Our marriage is stronger now, but it took tears, anger, and a year of separation."
However, as Psychology Today notes, only 12% of couples achieve this outcome.
Hard conclusion
Forgiveness is only justified if the betrayal was a one-time thing, the partner is ready for complete transparency (open access to gadgets, social networks), and you both have undergone therapy.
As Oprah Winfrey said, "Love should never cost you your dignity. Ever."
