Unpleasant Phrases from Colleagues. A Psychologist Told How to Properly Respond to Barbs
02.07.2023 18:56
Toxic coworkers radiate negativity. Not a day goes by without them saying something hurtful.
You want to parry their barbs skillfully, but a constructive idea emerges when the moment has been lost, and so on in a circle.
In the article, psychologist Stanislav Sambursky focuses on what lies behind the verbal poison of toxic people and why they use it. To do this, the psychologist will give examples of several offensive phrases and methods of self-defense.
1. "You've put on so much makeup! Is this for work or are you planning to spend the night at a club?"
People spend approximately a third of their lives working. They get used to everything, so they allow themselves to speak out loud and on any occasion. In a normal situation, even close people should not do this, especially when it comes to appearance.
Behind these words lies: "I can't allow myself to look the way I want." One's own prohibition, fear of self-expression and liberation give rise to envy and aggression towards those who are not afraid of it.
Photo: Pixabay
Protection options
If the person has never said something like this before, you can say something ironic: "You're like my mother! You know everything about me! If you want, let's go together?"
If you make systematic statements, you will have to defend yourself: “Who gave you the right to speak to me in such a tone and criticize my appearance?”
2. "It's none of my business, but everyone knows that you don't just get appointed to this position. What did you do for this?"
At first it may seem that envy is to blame, but this is not so. We are talking about projection, that is, psychological defense, in which a person attributes thoughts and fantasies to another.
He is afraid to admit to himself that he is ready to do a lot to advance in his career. He distances himself from himself and transmits this to his colleagues.
Protection options
The best answer is a truthful story: "If you want, I can tell you how I went through the selection process? Maybe it will help you get a good position."
3. "Very unexpected! Surprisingly, you have compiled a decent report."
This is not praise, but 100% devaluation. When a person deliberately wants to rise above another or is afraid of being incompetent, then this is the method used. The main principle is to attack first.
Protection options
A simple "thank you" will be enough. There is no need to show the importance of such "praise".
4. "Even a child could handle this."
Another way to show that a good result on your part was a complete accident.
Protection options
A powerful approach here is to ask directly, "Okay, so tell me what I need to do to make this report outstanding." A constructive ricochet will catch the attacker off guard.
5. “Only you always dislike nothing!”
This is the response of the management to a request, complaint or suggestion. It's simple - a person is afraid of criticism. He wants to be valuable, respected and loved. When they "speak out" about his own imperfections, they use repulsion and denial of reality.
Protection options
The main thing is not to refuse the conversation and insist on it firmly. You can say: "Let's discuss everything professionally, express our points of view and come to a decision. This is very important to me."
6. "Don't you dare argue! That's what you have a family for. Here you are obliged to be silent and listen."
This rudeness clearly indicates that the person is formally a leader, but internally is not ready for it, does not know how to be one and does not know how to manage. He thinks that through authoritative statements he can become authoritative.
Protection options
In a conversation, you shouldn't act aggressively. It's better to be calm and professional: "Nothing good will come out of a conversation in raised tones. Let's be constructive and not drag loved ones into it.
If as a professional I can't speak out, then why should I stay here?' In another case, you can suggest discussing the issues in personal correspondence.
7. “I hope maternity leave is not in your plans?”
Most women encounter such rudeness at the selection stage or after employment. Usually, behind it there is an open hint that pregnancy is undesirable, as well as a generalization, mistrust of the female sex and a hidden desire to take a break from work.
When a manager is informed about an upcoming maternity leave, he becomes offended. Irresponsibility also plays a significant role here: the person is not ready for an increased workload and does not want to invest in someone who may soon leave him.
Protection options
You can directly talk about your plans for motherhood and ask: “Is it customary for you to discuss intimate issues?”
Other techniques
Communication at work is often laced with poison, so it is important not to become aggressive and to have self-defense techniques. Here are a few more ways to convey to your colleagues that they have crossed the line.
· Sense of humor
Toxics can't stand it when their blow is responded to with jokes, and self-irony is completely disarming.
· Neutral reaction
The author of barbs always expects emotions. Ignoring minor remarks will deprive him of energy supply.
· Avoiding an argument
When attacks concern something important, then you need to argue. With minor attempts, you shouldn't even react.
· Set boundaries
It is necessary to convey to the toxic person that a conversation in such a tone is unacceptable for you, that you cannot “touch” loved ones, etc. Forewarned is forearmed.
Self-test for toxicity
In the heat of indignation, you can miss your own toxicity. Of course, no one is perfect, and sooner or later everyone makes mistakes in communication. Make sure that your colleagues are comfortable with you:
do not gossip, i.e. do not provoke gossip yourself and do not support others in this;
Before speaking up, giving advice or assessment, ask your colleague if he needs it;
clarify the boundaries of your colleagues, what is and is not permissible to communicate with them about.
Be that as it may, holding the line or trying to establish communication with a toxic team rarely brings good results. Therefore, it is time to think about looking for an alternative place of work.
