Why the kindness of loved ones often goes to strangers: psychologist Stanislav Sambursky explains
A kind person – what is he like? This formulation can be given to someone who is welcoming, friendly and helps everyone. A kind person stands out from the rest. He has a good disposition and, of course, is very different from those who are angry and rude. But often this is a mask, behind which lies a lot of unpleasantness.
In today's world, true unconditional kindness is becoming increasingly rare. People don't even realize that their friend or colleague at work, who positions himself as a "God's dandelion", is actually rude to members of his own family.
A family that finds it hard to accept that the problems of loved ones mean nothing to him. He breaks out at any time of the day to help another, while the requests of his father, mother or children fall on deaf ears.
In this regard, clinical psychologist of the “Dr. Anikina Clinic”, author of the Zen channel “Ecological Psychologist” Stanislav Sambursky wants to raise the question: “Why does the kindness of loved ones often go to strangers?”
Man is so constituted that his kindness is not capable of spreading to the whole world. It is absolutely normal when priority is given to family. Then, logically, come friends, acquaintances and somewhere in the last place starving Africans.
Sometimes the hierarchy is violated, and there are several reasons for this.
- Fawning. There is always a specific goal behind targeted kindness to certain people: career advancement, employment, discounts, etc. This phenomenon is ambiguous, as it can be useful to all family members.
- Social approval. Praise from loved ones is commonplace and means little when there is a desire to be good in the eyes of the public. Praise for such people becomes an end in itself, and to get it, you need to be “perfectly” kind.
- Family discord against the background of fading feelings. When one of the spouses has stopped feeling passion for the other half, it is difficult not to notice a sharp change in his or her behavior. Care, tenderness, kindness disappear. They are replaced by indifference, which is transmitted to the children.
- Mistakes in upbringing. Some families live by the principle "the main thing is not to lose face". An outwardly impeccable family relaxes in their relationships with each other, and cold naturalness is included. All this is "passed on by inheritance", since children do not know other forms of behavior.
- Lack of emotional feedback. In many families where there are problems in marital or parent-child relationships, there is a deficit of mutual understanding, support and praise. This pushes a person to seek reinforcement outside. Timely awareness of the problem will help restore confidence and the desire to do good to other family members.
- Different understanding of good or everyone has their own measure. For example, a husband believes that it is enough for him to simply throw out the trash, while his wife is indignant at his indifference. A frank conversation will help avoid misunderstandings.
Talking, not holding grudges, trying to understand each other is much more effective than silently enduring the cold behavior of loved ones. In cases where it is not possible to sort things out in person, you can always turn to a psychologist. The main thing is a mutual desire to normalize the relationship.
