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Family Quarrels: How to Avoid Them
08.03.2024 05:50
As a rule, quarrels with relatives are complicated by blurred psychological boundaries that are difficult to see.
In order to prevent family and marital conflicts from escalating into heated arguments, and especially into scandals, it is worth using the recommendations given by psychologists.
Family matters
A wise person is one who can look at any conflict from the outside.
When you are in the midst of a quarrel, it is impossible to be objective and it is extremely difficult to understand who is to blame and who is initially right (note that in conflict situations, it is often not just one person who is to blame).
Even if a person realizes that he is being unfairly and undeservedly accused, he needs to try to understand why another loved one is provoking a conflict: perhaps he simply experiences a lack of participation and attention from the accused.
You can only comprehend this by abstracting yourself and being alone. However, being alone is quite difficult, because the conflicting parties live in the same house or apartment.
Demonstratively slamming doors and leaving the house "wherever your eyes look" only further inflames the scandal. Therefore, it is not worth resorting to such a measure. You need to listen to your opponent and express your point of view, make a proposal to return to discussing the problem in a couple of hours. During the timeout, you can do cleaning, a favorite activity, or go shopping.
Calm dialogue
When calm sets in, the situation is viewed completely differently. After a break, the parties are ready to build a constructive dialogue.
This works equally well not only with relatives, but also with friends. It is important to remember that relatives will sooner or later make peace anyway. Therefore, it is not worth delaying the stage of accusations and clarifications.
The dialogue must begin with a step of reconciliation: “Let’s first hug and make peace, and then we’ll sort out the problem.”
Who has power?
The most important question is: "In whose hands will the power be concentrated?" It is to this that we must seek an answer. Often, in a state of quarrel, we try to manipulate our loved ones.
And we always have a great variety of tools for this at our hands!
You shouldn’t tell your child: “I won’t give you the game until you change your behavior!” or your husband: “If you intend to act like that, move to sleep on the couch!” Such methods are considered prohibited.
They cause even more feelings of injustice and anger. In addition, it is necessary to try not to weave into the conflict all aspects that take place in family life.
Otherwise, there is a risk of getting caught in a web of endless quarrels, in which new details are clung to every day, while often forgetting what caused all the unsightly fuss.
New rules
Every family has established rules by which its members live. Therefore, they do not always notice in time that life flows forward, its circumstances change and people along with them, but the old set of laws reigns in the family.
The situation gets out of control when one of the household members decides to rebel against the outdated family code.
For example, a child was required to be home no later than 9 p.m. when he was a baby. The child has become a teenager, which means it is time to reconsider the requirements for him.
There is no point in insisting on the terms that were once accepted. You need to be flexible and agree on a time to return on weekdays and weekends.
This way, the child will gain more freedom, the parents will gain control over him, and the conflict will resolve itself before it even starts.
If there was an agreement with your spouse that he would devote his weekends to his family and this condition was always fulfilled, but now he has changed jobs and is required to be in the office on weekends or he needs to meet with friends on Saturday evenings (there is simply no other time for this), you should not quarrel about this.
It is only necessary to review the agreements that will help to work out a solution that suits everyone. The lack of communication can be made up for by going on a family vacation.
The benefits of conflict
It is impossible to completely avoid family and marital conflicts, however, this is not necessary. By talking about things that do not suit us, expressing our point of view, we achieve changes for the better.
The main task is to prevent the conflict from escalating into a scandal.
By taking the time and trying to talk to your loved ones in the right way, you can achieve understanding.
For example, the wording: "How would you feel about making some changes to ..." looks like a call for discussion, not defense. In this case, relatives enter into a dialogue more easily, understand us faster and meet us halfway.
Dependence on other people's opinions: how to reduce it
Those who seek approval should decide whose assessment is more important to them (husband, girlfriend or mother). Then ask your loved one directly what their opinion is on the matter.
Don't get hung up on one person's assessment. If a friend doesn't approve, they seek support from colleagues, children, parents, and husband.
Self-esteem does not depend on the views and mood of one particular person.
Honest and fair self-assessment frees you from dependence on the opinions of others. They cease to be the only true and indisputable ones.
Earlier we talked about how to make family life happier.
