Left alone with a child. What to do, says psychologist Pavel Rakov

Life often presents surprises, but not always with a plus sign. That is why the number of single mothers who decide to raise children on their own is growing. Some mothers are recovering from the shock of divorce, others from the death of a spouse.

The third group has a very confusing situation. The man promised to propose, but when he saw two stripes on the pregnancy test, he disappeared in an unknown direction.

What to do in such situations? To begin with, pull yourself together and make a plan of action consisting of seven steps, reassures the expert of the online publication Belnovosti Pavel Rakov, a psychologist, coach, creator of the cult training “In fact, I am smart, but I live like a fool.”

Step one: Calculate finances

Many people say that you need to stabilize your mental state first, but... It's easier to start counting your finances. Firstly, it's a question of your small family's survival. Secondly, it's the real budget that will tell you what to do next.

You can file for alimony, go to work, get a temporary job to spend part of the day with the children. This will help to improve your life, solve some pressing issues (clothes and shoes for the little ones, food, utility bills, possible rent of an apartment), and at the same time distract you from too deep immersion in experiences.

A good solution would be to change your activity and be able to work on profitable projects from home. Don't be shy about counting every ruble if it really does regularly add to your piggy bank. But be careful with payments that are unstable and independent of your actions, such as part of your ex-husband's income.

Today he gives you the required percentage of his salary, and tomorrow he says that the workload has decreased, and with it, alimony. Try to rely exclusively on your own strength and the help of close relatives at first, if they are not against supporting you financially.

Step two: stabilizing the emotional state

Once the financial issue is resolved, begin to stabilize your emotional state. In fact, you will go through all the stages of grief - from shock to acceptance.

If you need to talk it out, try to do it with your closest people, whom you trust completely. But someone may need qualified help from a psychologist or psychotherapist. And the funds for this will have to be taken into account in the first step.

Just don't make a mistake: don't put your problems on public display, especially on social media publics. As a rule, you won't find support or really effective advice there, but you will get a huge dose of adrenaline, devaluation and condemnation.

If you don't have money for psychological help, try to find organizations that work with women in your situation for free and online.

Step three: the best for the children

In parallel with the first two steps, begin to increase the level of care for the children. Now more than ever, they need their mother's attention, as well as an honest and frank conversation about why they are growing up without a dad. Just do not try to set them against their departed husband.

Remember that both children and teenagers often blame themselves for the fact that the family is no longer there. Try to explain that they have nothing to do with it, that these are all adults' problems.

Don't criticize your ex in front of your children, and especially don't throw out the phrase: "Oh, well, he's just like his father! The same...!" You shouldn't forbid your son or daughter from seeing their father either. The exception is a threat to the safety of minors, when the ex-husband gets violent, drinks, and generally leads an antisocial lifestyle.

Step four: Establishing a daily routine

The easiest way to get everything done, including paying attention to your children, is to create a daily schedule. Try to use all the days of the week, but still occasionally change some things to avoid getting into a cycle of monotony and boredom. Here, keep in mind that you are entitled to time for yourself, to “make a happy mom.”

Include your hobbies, part-time jobs, meetings with friends and relatives, long-awaited trips to amusement parks with children in your schedule. For many, such time management allows you to understand where time is wasted on scrolling through social media feeds, meaningless chatter in messengers, or too persistent cleaning of the house, bordering on OCD.

Step Five: Live in Reality

Now you should turn on the "here and now" mode. Your thoughts will constantly return to the past, looking for the reasons for what happened. Self-flagellation and harsh self-criticism are possible. Or you will start dreaming about what if... What if you had come to your senses in time and got divorced earlier? What if you had lost those extra pounds? Or what if you had not let him go to that party? Stop living in the subjunctive mood! Enter reality, finally look at the bare facts.

At first it will be unusual, because people in our country love to immerse themselves in the past and fantasize with or without reason. But your children are in your area of responsibility. And they do not need a tortured, anxious mother, but a happy woman who knows how to enjoy every moment and teach others to do the same by her example.

Step Six: Time for Yourself

Yes, it is absolutely necessary to carve out time (and money) for yourself. Dancing, hanging out in a cafe with friends, buying a new dress, underwear, shoes, going to a beauty salon, and so on. Don't forget to pamper yourself!

You don't have to do all of this every day, but you can schedule these tasks and think about how much time you need to allocate to them. At first, once a week or two weeks will be enough, but gradually time for yourself will become a habit. You will notice that more and more often you do something not for the sake of need and maintaining material well-being, but for your own pleasure.

Step Seven: Ask for Help

And don't be shy about asking your friends and family for help! Sometimes women suddenly become strong and switch on the "I can do it myself" mode. But if you're really having a hard time, there's nothing wrong with getting support. However, you should clearly formulate your requests.

For example, ask your parents to babysit on a certain day of the week and at certain times. Or borrow a certain amount from a friend, having assured her in writing of the terms of repayment. Perhaps you will need to live with one of your relatives for some time or talk to your boss about a raise.

Throw away false shame and boldly voice your needs. And forget everything that Bulgakov wrote about! No one will come by themselves, no one will give anything until you voice what you want.

• Related news:
• women
• family
• psychology
• marriage
• 2 March 2023

---